La Vie Etrange

The Question

2011-07-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked yourself the question? You know that one question that will change the trajectory of your life forever? No, I am not talking about 'will you marry me'. The question I am referring to is: 'what do I want to do'. What do I really want to do? I know this may seem somewhat laconic, but the thoughts and emotions it exudes are not simple.

In my opinion this is one of the most disarming questions you could ask yourself. How many times in your life have you sat at the cusp of a major decision and felt lost? How many times have you played mental games to answer this query? Too many to count is my response. An answer to this simple phrase consistently eludes my grasp as I undulate between other such questions as: 'what are my gifts', 'what if what I want isn't good for me', and 'what if I don't get what I want'. You may feel the same.

I also find that evading this question is a typical mechanism I use to avoid digging further into myself. If I don't have to answer such a simple question, then maybe I won't have to think about the other questions in the previous paragraph. If I don't really have huge desires or wants, then there really isn't any room to fail, right? True, but if you don't have a want then how can you actually succeed?

At this point in my life I am in the midst of this frustrating question. I am not sure what I really want. Do I want to be a teacher? Do I want to be a counselor? Do I want to be both? Do I want to attend graduate school? These questions are swirling around in my head, and as I begin to answer one, another question arises that seeks to challenge it. Trust me, it is far more frustrating than you think - or maybe you know exactly what I mean.

My encouragement to you (and to myself) is to keep the question. Do not avoid this question, ever, for the rest of your life. I think a lot of people forgot that they could have wants and desires. They are stuck in a boring job or boring relationship and they are afraid to ask 'what do I want to do'. Don't let this be you and please don't let this be me.

So....what do you want to do?

My dog

2011-07-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't blogged in quite some time, I figured it only appropriate to reenter this world with something profound. For those of you who dislike canines, this may not be profound, but for the rest of you out there (those loved most by God) you realize that getting a dog is, in fact, profound.

His name is _______ and here is his story. I was looking on craiglist for quite some time and and passed a multitude of dog "rehoming" posts. To my knowledge it is illegal to sell a dog on craiglist especially if it is lacking the proper shots, training, paperwork, etc. But, I stumbled across a post for a set a brothers who were half retriever and half black lab. They looked like great dogs, but I regretfully passed. A week went by and I wasn't having he greatest of luck, despite finding Sarge and checking him out. Sarge was a good dog, but he wasn't for me.

So, I patiently waited and sure enough the brothers had been reposted. So, I figured I would give them a shot. I emailed for more information and within two days had a call from Suzy. She runs a out-of-the-home animal shelter in a nearby town. I headed up there yesterday to talk with her and meet Cowboy (this is obviously no longer his name) and Dallas. Per my conversations with Suzy, I knew I would like ______ better so I decided to walk him first. He was perfect, despite the neurotic behavior and jumping up on me on multiple occasions :). I then walked Dallas, for about half as long before we headed back. Needless to say, Dallas was not my favorite.

I proceeded to shoot the shit with Suzy about the dogs' upbringing and their crazy owner who would fail to keep the under control or in the yard. She and her kids minimally trained them and threatened Suzy that she would just euthanize them unless Suzy took them in. There is more to the story, but that will suffice. After our conversation, I left feeling excited, but not 100% sure. So, being the thoughtful and patient person I am, I waited 24 hours to decide - that sounds appropriate for a drastic life change, right?

I called Suzy today, told her I was getting _________, went to Tree of Life (which I highly recommend) with Alanna and mom, worked out, bought pet supplies, went straight to Schlotsky's Deli, and drove 40 minutes to get _________. I was anxious, worried, semi-regretful, and stoked. We did the necessary paperwork, and I boosted ___________ into the back of my Honda. He watched out for about five minutes and laid down for the rest of the drive.

Fast-forward 3 hours and he has officially met Alanna and Trevor, successfully laid down, sat, laid on his bed, played ball, got brushed, did his duties, and is officially asleep on the floor next to me. I got lucky.

P.S. If you want to see pictures of him checkout my facebook at http://www.facebook.com/evengle. I am deciding whether to name him Captain and calling him Cap or Cap'n or Calvin and calling him Cal. If you want to vote, post on the facebook album or comment on this blog post!

You know you're in Texas...

2010-09-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

So my work has officially brought me to the second largest state in the U.S. I am now sitting in my new home, The Fairfield Inn by Marriott, for 6 days. I will try to keep up with my blogging as there will probably be daily adventures, stories, mistakes, etc. But for tonight, I leave you with a couple observations of this state.

1. Everyone is really nice.... even nicer than people in California (Westmont parents who are strangers to me already invited me over for dinner)
2. Everything is bigger; stores, roads, bugs (there was a 4" dragonfly outside my hotel), etc
3. It is humid
4. Walmart exists
5. People have names like Marilyn
6. The accent....

Goodnight y'all!

Cribbage: A Tribute

2010-01-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

This post is my tribute to a good friend who without fail, manages to embarrass me every time we cut the deck. As many of you know, I am somewhat of a competitive person. I take pride in the things I can win or accomplish and believe I have less to contribute to society if I do not win. Although this is a dramatic manifestation of my thoughts, it nonetheless paints a picture of how I feel. And although I enjoy the thrill of competing or trying new things, it typically enter in with some form of fear that I really could lose. Tonight was no exception.

So tonight, as Hannah and I sat down at the table in Coffee Bean, and opened the fresh batch of cards, I thought, "I could WIN tonight." The first cut started us off as she drew the 6 of Spades and I the Queen of Hearts. It had begun well in my eyes only to remember her saying, "low card wins." Perfect. The game continued in this same sort of manner as I approached the "stink hole" (yes this is the real term for the last hole in the game). I was about three away as she managed to get a hand of over 14 and be shortly behind by about 6. I had a clear win, right? Nope, as I hit the 120th hole, I stopped and she proceeded to beat me by one fricking point. 1 - 0. She proceeded to beat me the next game by about 10 points, and I was able to salvage the last of my dignity by winning the last game. We ended 2 - 1 for the night. Thus, in addition to the last time we played, we are at a total score of 5-1.

Although losing is not a pleasant experience, I think it is necessary. Afterall, the saying goes, "You win some; you lose some." The winning portion must hold true outside of my card games with Hannah I guess.

Dreams

2009-12-29T22:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, I guess I am a bit blog crazy right now. I figure that since I rarely post on my blog I might as well post a couple times at once when I am really "feeling it". The last thought I wanted to get out was that I have decided to write down my dreams in my journal. My small group talked about it last year and I did it for a little while, but stopped shortly, like I do with most things. But, the book "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck talked about dreams and how they can be a sign of grace to us and show us things in our unconscious of which our conscious is unaware such as problems we have or perceptions of the world. I also heard that the more you write down your dreams, the more you remember them. And experimentally this has been validated. I have written the past three mornings and each time the journal entry is more elaborate and vivid as I recall these dreams. You should try it sometime...it's pretty cool.

Self"ishness"

2009-12-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today I learned a lot more about myself and those around me. That is I "learned" a lot. It is important for me to make the distinction between learning and "learning." The former requires one or sometimes multiple experiences actually teach me more about myself, others, or the world around me. The latter is merely a learning that is limited in the fact that it requires no real encounter with an insight or piece of knowledge. For example: I "learned" through reading a book about love and life, that a parent must give constant assurance and forms of affection to an infant. Simple right? No, not really. Not until I become a parent who has a child, and sweats and prays over he or she, hoping he or she will develop into a confident and secure adult will I be able to learn (without quotations) this important fact. Although this may seem irrelevant to the rest of my post, I want each of you to keep in mind that everything you come to understand has more than one layer; the layer of "learning" and learning. I am finding this to be true in the case of the sundry insights of the day.

My mother has always been a huge encourager of discovering oneself and how one views and interacts with others. To put it simply, she loves personality tests. Although tiring at times; I freaking love this sort of thing as well. The last Socratic test came during this past Thanksgiving. It is a very unique and complex assessment of humans who fit into one of 9 different categories. My mother and I spent a fair amount of time dissecting this specific test in hopes of finding exactly what number I am. After a couple hours I came to the conclusion I am a "5" or the Observer or Investigator. Since this may mean nothing to you I encourage you to go to this link: http://www.enneagram.com/index.html and find out what I mean. I would also LOVE it is you posted a comment on my wall telling me what your type is...

I decided to stop writing this post last night, because I was clearly getting tired and unfocused. So I do apologize for the abrupt transition, but here are my new thoughts. So last night I said that I learned a few neat things about myself and one of them was my Enneagram Personality type. It is interesting to see now how I view others. I have found myself assessing my friends and family members and complete strangers wondering what their type is. It is knid of neat to see. For instance, I always knew that when I was feeling good I had a very childlike spirit, wanting to do many many things and not really committing to anything completely, but jumping around from one to the next. That is because a type 5 tends to act like a seven when they are not stressed. Conversely, I act like an 8 when I am anxious or frustrated. Therefore I become combative and angry. I can look for some sort of argument or means through which to vent. I am also very prone to have a lot of knowledge and insight on various aspects of life and am frequently seeking more understanding. This can lead me to be very closed however, and keep my knowledge to myself and withhold my time, energy, or self from others. My parents and I were joking that I am a bit like Gollum and treat myself as My Precious sometimes :). Lastly, each Enneagram type correlates to a specific "Deadly Sin". My typical sin is greed, which makes sense. So I guess I am a greedy SOB.

I also read "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman yesterday and realized that I am mostly someone who receives love through Acts of Service, and Secondly, I enjoy Quality Time. Once again, I would LOVE to hear what your love language is. I really want to be able to learn how the people around me feel loved. What a neat experiment it would be to cater the way I love others specifically. The reason this is important to me is because I constantly find myself frustrated when I do something for another and don't get the reaction or result I hoped for. I someone says something really nice about me and yet I still may not feel like they really care about me. So....I want to learn how to love others better. Needless to say, I "learned" a lot about myself and am excited to see the ways in which these insights will come into play in my everyday in order that I may truly know them.

The Life of an Adm. Counselor Pt. 1

2009-09-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

So...the life of an Admission Counselor is very unique. I am traveling from city to city in CA for about 8 weeks! I would probably be going insane if it were not for music, a bluetooth, and the fact that I like to drive. I am able to sing loudly to some of my favorite artists such as Josh Garrels, Alicia Keyes, Nickel Creek, Black Eyed Peas, etc... I have also been able to rekindle some friendships with people I rarely speak to. And liking to drive is just plain weird, but for those of you who know me well, the alone time and thinking about life is a plus.

I wish I started this Saga about three weeks ago, because it would be chock full of funny stories that I am unable to recall right now, but here are some of my favorites so far.

1. Student in front of a class of 30 students: "So do people like drink at your school?" Me: "Yes, apple juice is really good for you."

2. "Do you have Christian Massage?" (this actually happened to Jessica, not me :( )

3. Having my first car-wash when your car gets scrubbed and sprayed and rinsed and dried; the little wheels on the track push your car along

4. Entering the I-90 with a group of 10 UPS trucks

5. Making at least 5 U-Turns in one day

6. Logically inept woman telling me her daughter can't go to Westmont because we have fires...

7. A parent herding me into a corner about financial aid and the rules on campus, to see if I will mess up

8. 6 girls showing up for my presentation because they saw me at a fair and thought I was cute. Clearly I do whatever it takes to lure 'em in

9. Students shaking my hand very firmly and making sure to say their first and last name in order to stand out from the crowd.... as if I will remember

10. A high school counselor making me a cup of coffee and chatting for an hour about Westmont and life; no students showed up

11. Learning street names in Fresno, Bakersfield, Modesto, Visalia... it will be very helpful for the vacations I plan to the central valley

12. Speaking with no microphone, in an auditorium, to 70 students

13. Crying after my visit to a school

14. Getting a beer with my waitress after she got off work

15. Having dinner with counselors from APU, Cal Baptist, William Jessup, and Point Loma to celebrate Ryan's (Point Loma) B-day away from home and his wife.

There is rarely ever a dull moment as you can see, and I plan to do a few more of these lists when events or stories come up in my days.

Although work literally is my life right now, I feel completely blessed. Love you all

For Hayley

2009-09-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

This little poem is for Hayley

She's wanted me to post daily

Mostly because she doesn't like weddings

It's all she sees on my headings

But just to let you know

When words don't come, they definitely can't flow

So I have taken my sweet time

And it has been just fine

And now I have a poem for you

And all the words I say are true

If you have patience with me

A personal poem you get to see

And now I conclude this small note

Be careful not to gloat

It is a poem for you

so koo-koo-ka-choo

Weddings

2009-08-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

Weddings have officially been a big part of my life in the last three months. And it is fair to say they are the most enjoyable party I have yet to experience. What could be better than spending a night of your life with your favorite people, in a beautiful setting, celebrating one of the closest loves to that of the love God has for us? Oh and did I mention the wine and dancing?

There is something most freeing about getting loose and dancing the night away. For me, dancing can be one of the most therapeutic and joyous activities. I imagine that when the bible speaks of the being a time to mourn and a time to dance, it is referring to the dancing in a wedding. I believe weddings and funerals give the perfect earthly examples of reasons to mourn and to dance. In this sense weddings and funerals are opposite ends of the spectrum. I think the world tells us to think this way. For in death there is only sorrow. But a wise man whom is very dear to me has taught me the joy that there is in death.

My father has always joked about being ready to go and die. He puts a disapproving face on my mom when he says, "yeah it wouldn't be so bad to die, I'd get to blow this joint." I typically frown and ask how he could think this way. But, as the saying goes: like father like son. I think my dad is right. A funeral may be a reason for just as much celebration as a wedding. Shouldn't we all be jumping for joy to return home, and to spend eternity with the One who loves us best. I sure know I am! But let's return to weddings so I can conclude this post.

While we do have something great to look forward to in death, there is much to celebrate in life. And I am blessed to have been a part of so many celebrations of these last few months. How exciting it is to see time and trouble, and patience, and ultimate care climax in a grand joining of two people. There are few things like it on this earth, and I desire to know that same joy for my own. For now, I have patience and I celebrate what I DO have. For I know He will give me the desires of my heart. And He will do the same for you.

Crossword

2009-08-16T01:06:00.000-07:00

Tanner Judkins came "home" today. I say "home" because he doesn't really live here, but I consider him when I think of someone who has such a strong role in my life. With some people you spend a month apart and you forget who they are and how to talk to them, but it's not like that for me with Tanner. We didn't miss a beat. The main evidence I have for this bold statement, is that we spent most of our time together working on a crossword puzzle and making food. We then went to Heather's play and exchanged jabs and winks as we sat in the audience. I get excited thinking about his wedding which arrives in one week. It is a meaningful time for all of us and I feel honored to know someone who makes me feel at home; he is one of the few that I consider a brother.

Work

2009-08-13T23:57:00.001-07:00

So I have been thinking a lot about work recently. I find it quite fitting as it has quickly become my life. My fun events are no planned around when I beat a quest in a Zelda game or when my last kill in Halo 3 will be. They are planned around when I get off work, and when I NEED to go to sleep in order to function at work.

Over the past couple years I have come to recognize just how much of a free spirit I am. I love driving around town and walking the streets to see what shop or restaurant or people will catch my eye. I find that I need this type of part in my day. So like all things in life, I have begun to schedule these times around my work schedule. I may head downtown alone for lunch to eat Chipotle.

One of the reasons why I like my job a lot right now is that I feel very free. I never really knew what it would be like to have so much responsibility in the things for which I get paid. I am able to schedule my own 6 week calendar of travel paid for completely by Westmont. It is a cool and scary to think about all the dollars that are going into my "research" and travel about where I will go, and whom I will see, and HOW I will see them. But it is cool indeed.

One big dilemma that has arisen is the issue of how much of work I "bring" from work. Do I talk about work when I get off or is it really important for me to leave those things at the office. I have had a pretty hard time with this, as I notice how much it makes me un-relatable. I spend over 8 hours of my day with the same people doing the same things, and that is a third of my day. It is weird. But I have come to realize that it really is okay. I know that I am no longer in college. The things that I do will never be the same, and work really is a big part of my life now. It is my mission and it is my passion. I think I understand more what it means to do one thing and to do it well. I strive for this in my work.

So as I sit here sipping my glass of wine and being alone after my 8:30am-10pm day of work I feel good. My clothes are ironed and soon I will sleep. I will fade into my dreams and process whatever is on my mind. And tomorrow I will wake, the same as any other day. But, with a different schedule and with something new to be anxious or excited about. And hopefully I will have some sort of party to attend or people to see after my "work" is done.

The Troubadour

2009-08-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting here and wondering what to say, and I decided to write about my experience at the Greg Laswell concert at the Troubadour in L.A. The venue was a great despite the sweat that resulted as people were standing shoulder to shoulder and front to back. And although the music was great and the environment was unique, my favorite part of the show was that I stood next to Elijah Wood for about 1.5 hours. The thing that struck me was not the many jokes that I thought of to say such as,"I'm hoping to visit New Zealand, would you mind telling me how to get to the Shire, oh and are those gross orcs still roaming the land," but the collection of thoughts that came from observation. My thoughts resulted from curiosity about his life. What would it be like to go around and have every single person know you? How would you act in public, and what would drive your decisions? I felt trapped for him. I watched as he looked directly ahead, avoiding a tilt of the head, or a shift of the eyes, and I wanted to tell him it was okay. He could do what he wanted, look around without fear, yell, and be free. It was in that moment that I was happy to be me. Despite being able to tap my foot and look around, I was able to watch a famous person (and he couldn't). In no way am I saying I have a better life, or saying he must not be happy. But it made me think more about the differences and the similarities we (all humans) share.

There are so many things in life that are great equalizers. When one leaves for college, when one graduates, or when one begins their relationship with Christ; these things remind that we are all the same. My green eyes may be different than the deep brown eyes of my sister, or my love for volleyball, different than Craig's love of guitar, but deep down we need the same things, and I love being reminded of this. Which is why I look anxiously and excitedly to the greatest equalizer of all, death. When all will be judged for what they did or didn't do in this blip of time we call our life. How beautiful it will be. To look past one another's faults or successes, and to see them, naked and vulnerable, and yet complete. When I will be held responsible for my life, and when I along will every single human being, will no longer fear. We will all be able to shout, and look around, and tap our feet to the beat (sometimes the little things make the biggest differences).

On a very different note, I decided to edit and revise my blog post today, so I hope it is less ridden with grammar mistakes, and spelling issues, and poor writing. But I desire to fix my writing issues through this blog as well. And if you wish to do the same, here are a few pointers from, "The Elements of Style," by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White.

"4. Write with nouns and verbs

Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place. This is not to disparage adjectives or adverbs; they are indispensable parts of speech. Occasionally they surprise us with their power, as in

Up the airy mountain,

Down the rushy glen,

We daren't go a-hunting

For fear of little men...

The nouns mountain and glen are accurate enough, but had the mountain not become airy, the glen rushy, William Allingham might never have got off the ground with his poem. In general, however, it is nouns and verbs, not their assistants, that give good writing its toughness and color."

New Perspective

2009-08-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

So I have been having a blog crisis lately. I think of the different reasons for which I update on my blog. My feelings range from the loneliness to pride as I think that nobody is listening or that everyone is. And believe me, I have hoped for both while I have been writing on my blog. So with all that in mind I have decided to continue my blog exactly how it has been!

The only real change is that I am hoping to actually use it... So many of my friends and those very close to me have had a blog for a while or have just begun, and the things I love the most are how people use them for different ways. They are used to update others on their happenings in life, or the blogs are a way of expressing thoughts of emotions that come from big events or daily stories. Ultimately, I love it. I have found it to be a great step in learning how to communicate. I typically end my day without having expressed all that I am thinking or feeling, and I want to have a hard copy. It is just like reading a book that I can hold and touch as opposed to reading it off of a computer screen.

So, in conclusion, I hope to be blogging more in this upcoming season. And I expect and hope to see all of you (this is the time where I hope you are reading my blog) blogging more as it brings me great joy to get those little bits and pieces that are dying to leave your mind and heart.

Potter's Clay

2009-03-21T15:13:00.001-07:00

Potter's Clay!!!!

Most of you know exactly what this is, but for any of you who are unaware, Potter's Clay is a week long missions trip to Ensenada Mexico. There are different teams ranging from VBS, Sports, Med/Dent, Prayer and Worship, and construction. This year I had the great opportunity to be lead a construction team who built the second story of the church Nueva Cancion, New Song. This was one of the most wonderful experiences that was full of joy, laughter, danger and tears. Getting to know the pastor who would be using the church was one of the greatest opportunities that I have been able to have. Lalo and Felie and David and Jayelle, and Daniella were the names of the family members for which we served. Coming away from the trip has been a really tough experience. During the course of the week, our team bonded really well and had some really great times. Our contractors, Jim and Todd were such amazing men of God who worked tirelessly and were such men of God. They trusted us well and challenged us during the week to stretch ourselves and to learn some of the in's and out's of construction. On Thursday, our contractor Todd had a terrible accident and was electrocuted by 13,000 volts and was feet from falling of a 30ft. roof. Jim caught him from falling and the ambulance lowered him from the roof after about 30 minutes, to ensure he was stable enough to move. He is doing pretty well considering the circumstances, but has suffered 4th degree burns on his head and 1st and 2nd on his arm and torso. He was definitely in the Lords hands and was kept safe as a lot of things could have gone very wrong. How greatly our Lord provides in time of need and how he prepares each and every one of us for anything and everything that comes to pass. That was the focus of one of my prayers before the event, that we would remember that we are prepared for anything and everything and that the Lord will not give us anything we cannot handle.

Leading was such a neat experience for me and difficult at times as well. My past experience leading had been a very difficult and hard experience for me so I was nervous about having something like that happen again, and there were a lot of insecurities hanging around my ability to lead a construction team with my limited ability and knowledge of it. I also felt insecure in whether or not I was really meant to lead and feeling bad in the ways in which I could speak more to the pastor and the family and longing for the ability to speak their language and communicate and tell them how much it meant to be a part of their community. Sometimes it felt like just being present or giving eye contact said a lot, but I was broken for the ways in which I wanted to be more involved in the community and with the people of Ensenada. I saw other members feel more confident in their communication, or others be very able and capable in the areas of construction and I found myself facing so many of my insecurities and inability. I wanted to be able to forget these feelings and to not be so inwardly focused, but it was so hard. So now I am in a time of processing and thinking about what I can learn from this experience and how I want to be confident and secure in my abilities and the things that I did do really well. I want so badly to be able to change and to grow from this, but it seems like there is so much to decompress and unpack that I feel overwhelmed, so that is why I am writing in this blog.

I want to be a different person. I want to be confident and selfless. I want to love others despite the ways that I can't and be able to see that although I am weak and unable that the Lord will do so much beyond my ability and despite my insecurities. I want to do and not to worry and go inot things feeling like the Lord will be there and will use me in mighty ways. I don't want to be about abilities and things and my posessions. I want to live freely without them and not be chained down by the glamour and materialism. My dorm room has nicer equipment than the whole church had combined. I feel so small and insignificant, and yet that I am gifted with so many things. I want to sell my things and give them away. I want to see people and give gifts and spend time with others. I don't want to do homework. I want to just be in my room and seek out others and love them because I have nothing to lose. That I have lost everything so there is no more fear. I want to walk down the streets singing the Lord's praises knowing that there is nothing I can do without him and nothing that can hurt me. That the Lord is good and He will provide. I want people to love and to care for one another and to recognize the pain and the sadness and be a part of the healing. I want to be grateful and live a life of gratitude for my family and my friends and my education, and my food, and my bed, and my underwear. How gifted I am and what do I do with all these things? I well up in myself and my things and I roll around in the praises of others, and I come away feeling more guilty and more incomplete than ever before. I don't want praises, but I want Jesus. Lord please do a mighty work in me, and I know it may take a long time for me to truly learn so many of these things with which I am wrestling, but please he me to know that now I am. That now I can rely on you and that through my weakness, you are strong that you can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. Help me to be here now and to make decisions that store up treasure in heaven and not on earth. Amen.

The Saints

2009-01-01T22:47:00.001-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while, but I just had a lot on my mind today and had some weird and sad and cool thoughts today. It's strange the way life works sometimes and how God can make really sad times open our eyes to bigger things that we don't really recognize with our earthly vision. He definitely uses our sadness and our despair and grief to show us things about ourselves, and for me He frequently gives me the opportunity to come out of those feelings with just a small bit of knowledge of who HE is and what he REALLY can do.

I was driving to my aunt and uncle's today just thinking about hurt that close friends of mine are dealing with and also about my own hurt and pain that comes from knowing how broken I truly am and how I do exactly what I don't want to do. I can understand what Paul meant when he talked about this very thing, and I think there is a lot of grief that comes from really looking at myself and seeing all the shit and choices that I make every day that lead to more loneliness and sadness. So as most of you wont be surprised I cried. I cried with alone and ultimately with the Lord, because only He could hear me.

And along the way I remembered that I was being prayed for at that very moment. That there were multitudes of people that I knew and didn't know who were in heaven praying for me and that was true peace. I was never alone, and the saints pray with me and they pray for me. And some of them may have experienced exactly what I am going through and exactly what the people around me are going through, and they KNOW. They Know what we need and the Lord knows what we need. Tears of sorrow became tears of hope.

Just recently, my dear sister Emily shared a poem with me that she had written about me and for me, and it meant so much to me that I wanted to share it with all of you. I hope you get something out of it as I have. The poem is based on Ezekiel 11:19-20.

A struggle of the flesh-left in darkness

breeds a heart of stone

Aslan's breath, light, the stone is softened

God begins to restore

a heart of flesh

His promise is coming true in you

Yes you are his. Yes, He is your God.

REMEMBER! You are always His and that the saints pray for and with you.

BoaL

2008-11-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Tiredness. Sadness. Relaxation. Silence. Solitude. Sleep. Close. Alone. Guilt. Happiness. Uncomfortable. Anticipating.
I forget how to relax and how to move slowly. How to sleep in and know there is nothing waiting for me to wake up, nothing beckoning for my attention or expecting me to show up. It feels good and it feels lonely. I have so little to require my time that I look for things to waste it yet I avoid the things that will give me energy. I have not been here for a while. I wonder if this is what people mean when they say that people are afraid of solitude because they have to look at themselves. I hope not. I hope I am just tired and do not fear self-reflection. I haven't cried yet. I want to be able to weep for joy of the small but important trials that have been in my path the past couple weeks and for the exciting new changes that will come, but I can't yet. I can't quite feel.

The Fire Burns

2008-11-15T14:36:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, a student said, "the fire burns," at chapel. It was meant to be a short phrase that the chapel speaker would turn into a song, and at the time it seemed like a poorly phrased corny "Christian" thing to say. Who would have thought that within two weeks, the fire would burn.

Less than forty-eight hours ago I was in my Hip-Hop dance class when three women came running in telling us that there was a fire and we needed to head up to the gym. It was kind of a shock as the women seemed somewhat distressed, but we all probably thought, it could never happen to me. As we walked outside I looked up the hill and saw a narrow but very tall flame that seemed like it was coming from the top of a tall building. At that point, panic had set in and all I could think to do was to say a short prayer before my RA duties would sink in. The whole school had been sent to the gym as we had practiced during the beginning of the year. The dorms were separated and the preview students were placed together in the back. I was shortly in charge of accounting for all of my residents and marking them off a list to ensure their safety. I couldn't really think straight as I had so many things on my mind, but I tried to stay calm and do what I could. The initial stress began to die down, but there were many tears and fears during that time. The gym also began to fill more and more with smoke until it looked like a fog had rolled in.

The night continued will small updates saying that all the buildings were safe at that point, even though we could see flames that appeared to be coming from campus, especially the prayer chapel, which later turned out to be completely untouched. However more updates continued saying that a few building had been lost. It was hard for me to believe that my building was safe considering its location and proximity to one of the burnt buildings. We also heard that our RD had lost his home to the fire at that time. I still had hope for some of my men. Most of my residents were trying to comprehend why this had to happened and it didn't seem fair to them as they had already gone trough tough things during the past week, not including the fact this was their first year at college. It was then that Mark informed me that the building of S had been lost, to which I merely broke down and cried. I didn't know what to say or how to say the news, and hoped that if I didn't it would go away, that it wouldn't be true. There were many tears and a lot of anger at this news but also somewhat of a peace for me about my belongings. I have prayed a couple times that past summer that I could find ways to give up some of my possessions and their attachment to me. I was sad however, I was confused. How could this happen to men who had just started college? This was our home! Many of us had brought very sentimental and valuable things to college that appeared to be lost in the fire.

It was a good reminder to know that everyone in my section was in the gym and were safe. I felt so weak and didn't know what to do for my men as I was in a bad place myself, but we prayed as a section and later I was lifted up by some of them again as they thanked God for all the blessing and for me. It was definitely a time of weakness and feeling insufficiency and I knew that my guys were men and that we had become a section who truly cared for one another. Many of us slept together in a group for the night and provisions were made in the morning for people to get away from school and stay at family and friends' homes.

I was able to go up to S and see the damage to the building. It was much more hopeful as I walked around downstairs and say that it was merely water damage but upstairs was in much worse condition. My room had a fair amount of salvageable things but the was no longer a roof and the floor was covered with debris. I am at peace with what I lost and what was spared and am thankful that my books journals, and art-work are safe.

My biggest fears and thoughts right now are wondering where I will live. I am not sure yet where I will be and I don't know if it has hit me that I will be living somewhere else. I deeply hope that my guys will find a good safe place to stay and most importantly hope that we will be close. Many of the Q residents have offered opening up their rooms to make triples and we have a lounge and an extra room to fill in if needed. But I am at this point not involved in the process of deciding what to do for these guys so I am having a hard time with that. I don't know how I will get my stuff that is safe or if they will just demolish everything, so I am afraid that I still wont see that stuff again. Especially since I was able to go in there once and could have grabbed more stuff at the time. I am sad for my guys who lost far more than me and for the women of M and the faculty who lost their whole home. I know that I have a home back in CO as a safe place, but many of the faculty lost their one and only residency. Please pray for me and for Stacey and for the faculty and staff that we will be at peace and that the best decisions would be made in the quickest time possible in order for the year to finish as best as it can. And praise God for keeping EVERYONE safe from the fire, including the people that lived in Montecito. It is clear that prayer can change things and has huge implications on our lives. I love you all and God bless

Who I Am

2008-09-05T09:41:00.001-07:00

Three nights ago I got to spend some good time with my great friend Barret. It was awesome catching up, sharing stories, competitive frustrations, and just being together. It was definitely a replenishing time for me getting out and knowing that I have great friends outside of Clark who care for me and know me. There are many good friends who have done this in other ways and I am really appreciative. The Lord has blessed me with close friends!
Last night I also went out with Adam B. and had such a great time sharing stories about RA stuff thus far and hearing about his difficult and enlightening experience. It was cool hearing his perspective and very detailed and honest advice or things that he wished he would have done or not done. That was very beneficial to me as I have been struggling with trying to push myself to be more intentional or more convicted about little things such as my joking or my language. The problem for me thus far has been that I have also felt like I haven't been myself some too. I have been much more worrisome or more strict when it comes to the guys in my section, and although I know pushing myself is a good thing it is not something that will happen overnight. I want to be more patient with change in myself because if I totally abandon the old self then I will forget who I am and what really makes me me. And that is a scary thing. Adam helped me to be more relaxed and realize that I just need to be myself. I don't have to be this huge authority figure who can come off fake when I am so intentional and forcing conversation or activities.
Another fear that I have for the year is the fear that I will not truly depend on God even in the really small and simple things. Adam said, "you are a capable person and because of that you can go through the year and not spend much time with God or read your Bible etc... and you will still do an okay job. People will still say you were a good RA." However, I know that any of the successes will only be from my own strength and not only will I be less likely to acknowledge that it has been God's work, but I will have ceased to be true and dependant on the Lord. I do not want this to happen so I sincerely and fearfully know the Lord and pray for a very difficult year as I wish to be more like Him, and I seek to love Him more.
This is me and this is my baggage (along with much more), but I hope that this knowledge will spur me to actually be with Him and rest in Him knowing that I am a beautiful creation and it is me with my problems and gifts that is the S&Q RA.

RA

2008-09-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

So....being an RA has definitely already caused me to be uncomfortable, unsure, and joyful as well. I have had some hard times feeling like I'm not the greatest RA because I am not the guy that gets everyone pumped on testosterone and hollering loud sounds. I have felt unsure about my ability to treat everyone with just as much concern and love and alos how to connect with some that are more quiet, or more loud, or more awkward. So I have definitely done my share of second guessing and beating myself up over not feeling present enough, or not saying the right things, or not handling a situation better. But, the promising thing is that I am learning and I am being stretched. Former RA's weren't kidding when they promised this would happen. But at the same time I have been incredibly encouraged by fellow staff members who have reminded me that I was chosen to be here with these men for some reason, whatever it may be, and although that is a lot to ask of me it is also comforting. A few of my guys have said very kind words such as, "I want to be an RA now like you," and "thanks so much for taking us to the beach and driving, it is really cool that you want to spend time with us and invest in us, it's pretty cool." A fellow staff member also said that he was thinking about RA's and said that if he could have an RA he would want someone like me. Those were some of the kindest words I know the Lord is giving me these things to sustain me or to remember when I won't fell recognize or when I am feeling bad about my RA abilities. With all this mental processing going on it is hard to be thinking a ton about classes or family or other things that may not be staring me right in the face, so I hope that things will calm down and that I will be able to do more things that I enjoy doing or be able to follow through on other things that I need to take care of. Pray for me, my section, and my ability to discern what to be adamant for or against and what things to let my residents find out on their own.

Let the Games Begin

2008-08-28T02:51:00.000-07:00

Today all of the Clark residents will arrive to find their home for the next 9 months! It is a pretty insane thought. Most of these people have never been to college, gotten sick away from home, or shared a room with a total stranger. However, many of these people have not been challenged in their faith, started on a degree, or met some of the best friends of their life. This is why my life will be full of blessings for this last school. I get to be a part of 24 men's struggles, new encounters, friendships, and spiritual journies. What a great thing this is. I am so excited which is obvious as those of you who read the time of this post may have noticed. It is 3 am and I could probably go running or do crazy things as I am so excited.
I feel completely blessed by each person on my staff and look forward to getting to know everyone more deeply as I will be sharing stories, frustrations, and advice with most of them. I have always found it very easy to connect well with people, but I have always had this sense that I could withdraw or leave if I didn't like the group of people or if I wasn't feeling great. But, for one of the first times in my life I feel somewhat trapped. I don't really like it but at the same time I am loving it. I feel like I must fully immerse myself in this group of people and into this ministry of being an RA, and I can't just leave. I can't do things on my own and I can't quit.
I know from the word that I am prepared for what is ahead even though I do not feel prepared in many ways. But tonight we had a final Residence Life service time where we were read quotes, given carpenter pencils, and meditated on being with the Lord and praying. It was very hard for me to keep my mind on the Lord and to focus my thought on myself and my weaknesses or the ways that I needed help. So I just decided to watch some other people shave their pencils and I prayed one word for a few of them. I prayed for strength for one, peace, grace, confidence, love, change.
And as I watched the candle in the center of the group this poem came to me.

I am a candle at dusk

I flicker in the ever changing breeze

My movements are unpredictable

So is the wind

The wind is my God

I wag and shake and am strained in a harsh breeze

But I do not go out

I stand still in the quiet and glow

My fuel has an end

Only the wind will decide how long I will last

It may be short

It may be long

But I burn just the same

I am a candle at night

The darkness surrounds me

It will not change me

I am a slave to the wind

But I am free to shine loudly

Debriefing...lol

2008-08-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

Debriefing is close to one of the most frequently used words during Imprint. But overall a very good word that is useful in externally processing an experience that was difficult or during which we may have changed. I know that Imprint was both challenging and changing. However as I am a pretty slow processor I do know know completely the ways in which I changed, but I can feel a difference.
The Funky Flamingo team was amazing. I know for a fact that I would not have asked to trade any of them for another person. We were truly a group of very different people who found commonality in our relationship with God and through the climbs of the trip. We went through Sequoia national park starting at Mineral City on to Franklin Lake, over the past to Forester Lake and then returning.
We hiked through hail and rain and hot sun. We swam in lakes, built shelters, ate, talked, and were a community. It was neat to see how such a different group of people could come together so well.
Personally however, a few of the best highlights for me were getting to know Nancy well and sharing passions as far as counseling. She is definitely a good friend and I am honored to know her. I also had a good talk with Chris and I learned more about his family and his first year at Westmont. I also loved swimming in the cold ass lake with Beca. Cathy and I were great marmots in our skit, and Mike and I shared about our experiences this summer.
Three that really stood out for me though were when Vanassa asked me how I thought I was being challenged during the trip. It was heartwarming to know that she did care about me and that we were closer and will become even better friends as we work together in Clark. I also enjoyed trading packs with our guide Steve. I was able to pray for him and get to know him better during the trip. A really cool thing was how much he reminded me of my dad. He had similar humor, sayings, and quirks. It was almost as if me dad was there the whole time, and yet I gained a really good friend and role-model. I also felt honored to find out that when I ran back down the hill to help Steve get two packs on his back that that was a highlight of the trip for him. He is a man I want to be more like. He makes everyone feel treasured by his humble and cheerful spirit.
The last thing that was very difficult and changing for me was during our solo night. I was the last to be dropped off so Steve prayed for me and told me to go up and hopefully find a place. Little did he know he would have to go a ways up a 60 degree incline to check on me before sunset. I found a ledge that was flat but bumpy about 10 feet from the edge of about a 35 foot drop. The view was exhilirating. I could see the whole lake and down into the valley. I spent about 13 hours up there alone trying to get time in with the Lord. The thing that kept me from it was the fact that I decided to go without a sleeping bag for the night. This meant that I had only a sleeping pad tarp and layers to keep me warm in the 32 and below degree weather for the night. I was pretty scared before the night knowing it would be really cold and that there were in fact bears in the area. So About an hour before the sun set I wrote this poem.

The sun shines hard
A few hours left
I feel fine
times will change

As the orb is lowered
I fear the night
Must I go through this?
No, I get to

I feel a breeze
I hear a breeze
It is the sound of flowing water
It has no choice but to follow its path

Will I be cold?
The shadows creep up the ledges
I want ease
The sun shines hard and reminds me of the present

The cold will come
I do not feel prepared
I AM
anxious and anticipating

Trials may come
I am not alone
Things will be hard
I consider it joy

I get to persevere
The Lord is good
the sun lowers
I will rest in his bosom

That is a pretty good summation of how my life has gone these past couple months. Many of the things represent difficulties in our life which correspond to the difficult and freezing night that is on the horizon. I spent almost all night changing sleeping positions, checking the distance the moon moved, and standing up to stomp in place and try warm up my legs. Needless to say, I wished I was able to pray more or meditate more, but all I could think of were ways in which to warm myself. But in response I wrote this poem at about 4:30-5 am.

I see light blue
The color of hope
I forget the cold
for a moment

My breath goes invisile
The great night light is useless now
Thank God for change

"Oh my God, Oh my God
Praise Jesus"
my first words
Am I grateful for this trial?
I will be

The sun will also rise for another
One whose coldness is mere part of each day
He is cold and hungry
Help him to see the light blue

You are the sun
You are the changes
You are the cold
You are our hope

The shadows reced
I wish to feel warmth
I do not want to wait
But I do, I know what is awaiting

Imprint!

2008-08-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

So I was very excited today as all the RA's were together today. Not only all of Clark, but all of Westmont RA's. It was overwhelming and scary to see everyone but exciting at the same time. I am officially in the Funky Flamingo group led by Stu, Kathy, and Steve. I am super excited. The group is Hannah Moore, Chris Bachler, Becca Lee, Nancy Sheih, Vanassa Hamra, Jesse Garcia, and Mike Bennett. I am so excited especially since our staff seems to be getting along well and enjoying eachother. I am just incredibly blessed to have great friends outside and inside Clark. God is good and has an awesome year ahead for me.

A New Day

2008-08-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

I thought a lot today about how/when/and why I felt so sad. I know specifically what small things in life hurt, I know larger things that are an open wound, and ultimately I realized that sometimes the weight of sin can just come crashing down at once. It is a giant weight, a weight that I absolutely cannot lift alone. I am grateful for a savior who not only comforts me with time but also through friends who show a deep care for me. I hink Ray LaMontagne gives a very interesting and poetic face to the sorrow I felt and that humans feel when the weight of sin is on our shoulders. These lyrics are found at http://artists.letssingit.com/ray-lamontagne-lyrics-empty-sh7vr88 and are the lyrics to his song "Empty".

"she lifts her skirt up to her knees,walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
i never learned to count my blessings, i choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
i walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
on past the busted back of that old and rusted cadillac that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged......

well i looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
you see, i've been to hell and back so many times, i must admit you kind of bore me.
there's a lot of things that can kill a man, there's a lot of ways to die, listen, some already did that walked beside me.
there's alot of things i don't understand,why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged"

Processing the Lonesome

2008-08-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day full of mixed feelings. It started off abruptly as I awoke 5 minutes before I had to be at the Montecito YMCA. I met the kids that I would be "counseling" for the day and we set off towards magic mountain. I learned a lot yesterday about how to discipline and love on kids at the same time. It was really cool seeing how giving them choices and allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions knowing the consequences is really empowering to them even though they may not like it. It was fun joking around with the three boys and learning more about their lives and trying to understand why what they have experienced/are experiencing with family can affect their actions and thoughts. Elyse was a great partner with the kids and on the roller-coasters. I am very thankful to her for allowing me to be in that environment and spend a day at an amusement park. I definitely felt more in my element with the kids. I know that I would love to do teaching or counseling of some sort after I graduate. But, going back to the amusement park, it was amazing. We went on Tatsu, X2, Goliath, Scream, Riddler's Revenge, and Superman. Out of them all I think Tatsu was my favorite roller-coaster.

I used to be afraid of roller-coasters but I was thinking yesterday about the story that the grandmother gives about life and how life is boring without the roller-coasters and that it is not exciting to ride the ferris-wheel. The ferris-wheel representing a life without problems and flexibility. I can relate very much so to this story. I know that I come from a more perfect and pristine view on life. I know that perfection, avoiding mistake, etc.. come from my family and therefore embrace it when it is useful, yet hate it when the perfectionism fogs my perspective. I pray therefore, for a balance of the two. I know that life is full of surprises. Things will go wrong and according to M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult." However regarding my blog post title. I remembered yesterday that life is full of sorrows as well.

Last night was a very lonely time as I felt insecure about who I was, guilty for all the ways that I am weak and sinful, I was worried about the future, about life after college, mostly about my relationships, I was grieving the sadnesses in my life that make me feel isolated and alone. It is not an easy thing being alone, feeling that things will change, people will move in and out of your life, things must be pushed through and not avoided. Ultimately, I know I will see the finish line. I will reach the goal to which I am called. And I try to take peace in knowing that the Work, the Lord has begun will be finished before He returns. But for now I am sad. Please pray for me and let me remeber that in order for trouble to go away or for things to change, that I must go through it, not around it.

Where to Begin

2008-08-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Oregon was awesome! Played v-ball, saw a wedding, went on atv's hung out, played games, enjoyed people, grew, watched owls, played tennis, lived a dream for 4 days. I don't know how to explain it much more. But if you talk to me in person I would love to tell stories.
I just recently restarted The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck M.D. and it has begun to rekindle my huge desire for counseling and my passion for psychology. It is a very heavy book yet has many truths that I remember yet others that are new because of the changes that I have gone through. I would make a large recommendation to others to read it and maybe spend about 3 months reading it. Anyways, I am excited about it but kind of scared because it will change me. But bring it on right? A cool thing I just read from it was this. "Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit." I know this is and has been true for me. I also find comfort in the fact that although it is hard for me to actually take a step in changing things, I know I live my life with this in my head and have rarely encountered a problem and not thought this very thing. Now I just have to use this knowledge to make a change.
I can't realy think of anything else I want to say, but I love you all. Really.

What a DAY!

2008-07-27T13:46:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was one of the best summer days in SB. It started at about 10 am when Joe and I went to get an electric pump for the day's entertainment. A 12 ft. in diameter water trampoline and a 8ish ft. inflatable boat with ores. We all: Tanner, Joe, Ryan, Craig, and I got ready with guac. PB and J, drinks, granola bars, etc. We arrived at east beach and spent about 30 minutes blowing up the trampoline just on the side of the road. After putting on sunscreen and eating we set out towards the nearest bouey. Ryan and I rowed as the others swam alongside the tramp. We hooked the two around a bouy and went crazy. The tramp was very hard to get on when you are in the water, so it was quite a workout. A guy named Ricky who was playing in the VB tournament swam out ot us just to check it out and say hi. He was a mechanical engineer who went to school at cal poly. How random and cool. We then relaxed and played some king of the hill. Which was pretty dang sweet. After some more activities we decided to row out to a boat/ship. We asked the only guy aboard if we could come up and check it out. His name was Ezra and he and his family lived on the boat. He was 19 and has been boating for over 2 years. We were are so excited to be on the boat and learning about what it is like not only to live like that but also how to navigate a boat that big. It was AWESOME. After a little while we got back on are more deflated boat and trampoline, gave him our numbers so he could hang out if he came into town, as he had no idea when his parents would come back. The rest of the beach day included Joe burying Craig up to his head while standing up, playing vollayball, and watching intense backgammon. Afterwards, we had pizza at our apartment, with Heather and Becca, Tanner and Joe's girlfriend and fiancee and we watched Parenthood! Can you beat that??? Despite my picture I really was having a blast.

I'm Moody

2008-07-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

Today was just one of those days when you are kind of irritable the whole day. I was pretty frustrated with how I acted in some situations. I was realy mean but I was just kind of thoughtless and didn't hold my tongue well. I hope I can forgive myself for acting unloving today. It is difficult sometimes for me to understand times when I am just flat out being rude, or whether there is a good reason for my frustration, or whether my discomfort is really just my introverted spirit that is screaming for alone time. I think the third happens more frequently because I can tend o feel like people aren't respecting my alone time which really isn't their problem, but my lack of communication about them. But nevertheless, I think I can just easily get mad or frustrated when I need my space and for some reason can't get it. I could use prayer that I would be able to use that time wisely and would be able to come out of it refreshed and with a renewed sense of patience and joy to enter my more interacting side of life. I think a good sleep will do me good too if I don't stay up way too late playing Adventure Quest (thanks John :))

Back to SB

2008-07-20T00:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I returned back to my summer home of Santa Barbara, CA. It was so great being home and getting to spend time with each and every one of my family members. I also got to see a lot of my extended family which was such a blessing as I was only in CO for 6 full days. Today my sisters, dad and I played tennis with all my cousins minus one. It was a lot of fun getting to see them all and creating chaos on the tennis courts. It was also more difficult to say goodbye I think, because it was such a good time at home. The flight was pretty smooth despite some bouncy turbulence near the cities of departure and arrival, but it was really cool looking out at the clouds in the sky. It is just fascinating looking at those massive and heavy clumps of moisture in the sky that seem to hang there as if held up by strings from the heavens. It really blew me away thinking how intricate and confusing nature really is.
However, it is good to be back. I was really glad to see almost all of my friends tonight, minus John, Drew, Adam, and Brandon. I realized that I missed them since I was gone for a whole week, and a few of them had trips of their own during the week. One thing I don't miss though is the crazy life of California. It is definitely a different world from Westcliffe. I could go a day without hearing a car in Westcliffe, but I can't avoid the noise when I am here. It was pretty stressful as I pulled out onto the highways today. I almost felt like I had to become a different person. This sounds pretty intense but it was kind of true. I was anxious and nervous on the busy roads trying to fight for spots between cars, passing traffic, getting blocked when I put my blinker on to switch lanes.
It was a pretty weird feeling. I told myself that I would never life in Southern California during that moment. It may be true, something like the traffic could deter me from living here, but then again I am a feeler, and the feeling has yet to linger very strongly for more than about 6 hours so who knows. But, it is almost 2 AM CO time and I think that means I need to hit the hay. Goodnight/Goodmorning world.

Lake of the Clouds

2008-07-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

Since my last post was really long, I will try to keep this a little shorter. Today my dad and I did a 9+ mile hike in a little under 4 hours. It was really cool trying to see how quickly we could make the trip. Kind of a family, beat the clock, competitive type thing you know. But anyways it was really awesome. We crossed Something Creek, I wish could remember what it was called, and it was pretty big. There were some cool places to go camping at and even fishing if not at the lake at the top. It was beautiful seeing some of the waterfalls along the way. There was also a bunch of horse poop due to the fact that there was a 13 person horsebacking group that we met up at the top. There were two lakes with a smalll waterfall section from one to the other. It was cool talking to my dad, and eating up there at about 10,000 feet. The fish were jumping like crazy in the lake, as there were tons of bugs out. It was really fun to watch almost like a symphony, or planned out event, as fish after fish would jump. They would jump at different heights and some would merely break the surface. It was really fun to do this hike and especially with my dad. We also got to meet up with my grandparents, cousins Gabe, Michael, Erika, and Rudy as well as Erika and Rudy's parents Mike and Melissa, my dad's sister. We went downtown to Pizza Madness. I was great seeing my cousins and catching up on there lives. I always felt like it was mostly just important for them to see me, but I realized I had missed them all too so it was really great. I found myself trying to find out a lot of stuff about my cousins in a short period of time. I was pissed however to find out that both Gabe who is a Sophomore in HS and Rudy who is a Freashman were both taller than me. That was humbling. Their family also came over to our house afterwards and played Apples to Apples for a couple hours which was really fun and competitive. Not a surprise to those of you who know our family well. Overall, pretty damn good day.

Day of Solitude

2008-07-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

So today I took my day of solitude as suggested by the Student Life staff in preparation for becoming an RA. I was telling my friend Stacey last night that I hadn't really thought about doing it unless it was a strong feeling, and yesterday I thought it would be great to do it while I am here up in the mountains with nothing but the creek to hear.
The long and short of it is that it was a really great idea. It was pretty hard starting off at first wondering how I would spend six hours alone, amidst flies, lots of pollens, without music, a book, etc.. and I also didn't really feel like praying which was frustrating, because I wanted to do that for most of the time, So I just decided to meander on our 14 acres and into the neaghboring properties. It was cool acquainting myself with our property and know much better where certain aspen groves, or the rock wall were.
I finally made my way back across the creak and down to a spot where my little cousin and I had stopped cleaning the creek about a year ago. Olivia was a trooper then as we wnet all the way down the stream moving rocks, muck, twigs, etc...in the freezing cold water. We even had a few fish brush up against us. But back to today, I stopped at our final spot and sat down for a while and ate my banana. I finally felt like praying and it was really cool, because my mind went directly to my future RA staff next year, as I hadn't really prayed much for each person or the group as a whole much.
I then proceeded back across the stream and into the aspen grove where I did some name carving in the aspen and layed down to rest my eyes, never actually falling asleep as I was tormented by flies who liked to land on my face. I saw some of the coolest bugs such as a few bumblebees that were about an each long and could probably eat me, I also saw an orange bee that was a bit smaller that I had never seen. I watched and scared off a chipmunk and fed some fish that I named.
The fish were quite entertaining. I had gone back to my spot by the creek but this time sat on a stone by itself surrpounded by water. I had some worship songs come to my head so I figured I might as well sing them out loud until I was startled by a greenback cutthroat that leaped out of the water to catch a fish. His name is Wayne. As I kept singing more fish came out from under a tree covering adding up to a total of five. The coolest part was that I had earlier been cursing the flies, but later saw that they aren't necessarily devil, but serve a purpose. I would kill them if I could when they landed on me (I think I managed to hit myself in the nose, ear, temple, and forehead just trying to kill those damn bugs) and threw them into the stream. They would float lifelessly a little ways if I had thrown them the right distance, and.....up would pop my fish friends. I fed Winston, Jane, and Jenny, but was not able to give William any food, because he was the stupid one of the bunch. Winston even swam about a foot away from me after he ate the fly I threw to him. It was pretty cool.
Some other cool stuff that I thought about during the day was how I think that the water in a stream is kind of like a person. At least I could relate to it. I saw how it never stayed in one place, it was always moving and mixing with the water around it which we could call "other people" The water would sometimes glide over the rocks very easily, but sometimes it would crash into the rocks or splash around. I think this is kind of how life is. Sometimes it is calm and peaceful and you can't see anything happen, but sometimes it is so trecherous or tumultuous at times. But the cool thing about creeks is the beautiful sounds and glimmering light shines mostly when the water is going over the rocks and not during the times of peace. Maybe this is how our relationship with God is. The most beautiful during the hard times. But these times are typically followed by places of quiet and peace. It is also interesting to not that just like people we can see the ripples or the waves on the surface of the water, but from above we cannot see how the water is swirling and moving underneath the surface. I think that so many people can be judged by what we see on the outside such as our actions or words, but what truly makes the difference is when someone looks through that and knows there is more going on underneath. It's amazing what God can teach me through a little stream.
After the fish feeding I proceeded to the edge of our property where my friend Tim and I had chased a few coyotes who would not shut up. I got a bit nervous wondering if they frequented that area. I am pretty sure I would get my butt kicked if a few coyotes wanted to eat me. But let's not talk about that or the fact that our neighbors had seen two beers between our properties about a week ago.
Another cool thing that I thought about was how I don't really know if I am very good at living in the present. I have tons of thoughts and such about how great it is to live in the present, and how we should live in the present, bla bla bla, but I never really have thought about whether I do that well. I don't think I do really. I have recently noticed how easily I get bored. I love to move from one thing of entertainment to another, one movie, to a new game, to a new book, etc... But I think sometimes I forget to live in the moment. I wonder if living in the moment it living as if God was physically there. I find that the times I am content in the present are when I can feel the Lord there with me. I don't necessarily think it at the time, but I think it is true. Maybe, if I can remember that God is ALWAYS with me I can be more content being there. I mean who would want to skip one activity if as soon as they did so the Lord, disappeared. I know he doesn't but I want to be content knowing he is there. He is in the people around me, the conversation that is going on. He affects all these things, so I think maybe being in the present is recognizing THE presence.
To everyone who has read or commented on my blog, thanks! I love hearing all of your comments and knowing that you are reading about my life. I feel very loved by your support so thanks so much. I only hope you all know that I cherish you all as well. Peace

Westcliffe

2008-07-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yawn-
So I slept about 12 hours last night after I finished Blue Like Jazz, which was amazing just like the last time I read it and forgot everything it was about. But anyways, I just had a great day. I did some reading went into town and dropped of my mom at the gym, I got some coffee from the Wicked Witch of the West, went into some interesting shops with lots of ticky-tack crap, you know like the $300 sculptures that have wolves and eagles and such on them and are reminiscent of a Thomas Kinkade picture. Pretty hoaky if you ask me, but it is great for some people. I also, bought a really sweet Black cowboy hat. My mother and I also had a good talk as we took a longer way back to the house and she showed me where elk tend to be during the evenings. It was cool to hear about all the stuff my parents have learned about this new home of theirs. Well, I don't have much else, to say. It was just a fun relaxing day, and my dad and I played some backammon, and my mom and dad and I watched the movie Once, which was pretty good which I know Barret likes bacause of the babe Marketa. Okay well peace.

High Mountain Hay Fever

2008-07-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

So today was a pretty sweet day. I saw the love of my life, I think her name was Jenny Lynn Gardner who was the most amazing mandolin player I have ever seen. She had a great smile and beautiful brown hair and she was probably only a couple years older than me. She was really fing good at the mandolin and I could not believe it! Anyways I tried to find a way to talk to her when I went over to her band's booth (The Bradley Walker Band) to buy a CD but she was not there and I missed any other chance I had. Maybe next year I will see her and ask for her hand. jk, but seriously. Oh yeah, I forgot to say where I was. I was at the High Mountain Hay Fever Bluegrass Festival with bands such as Alecia Nugent and Co., Dry Branch Fire Squad, The Corndrinker, Laurie Lewis and the Right Hands, and many more. The guy who founded the group Union Station was there apparently and a few grammy winners played at the festival as well. So despite Westcliffe's size and such, it is pretty famous when good ol' country/bluegrass music about lost love, Jesus, green pastures, and alcohol comes around. It was such a fun time being around such an eclectic group of people, the majority of whom looked like they just stepped off their ranch. There was hootin and hollerin and crepes and tacos, and beer and icecream. Also, to all the boys out there who came to Westcliffe last winter, my parents told me today that the infamous pub had some action this past month I believe, when an angered man who was not allowed to take his beer out, left the Pub and came back with a gun and waved it around in the store. Sounds like that Pub always has some exciting stories just attached to it. Okay, well I am enjoying the serenity of this place, the soft swishing of the creek, the beautiful flowers, the mountains, the silence, my family, books, a fire, and backgammon. May it give me peace and a break from the more busy life of SB. God bless

The Trip to CO, Into the Wild, and more

2008-07-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well,
I am officially here in our beautiful home in Westcliffe, CO. It is 10:50 here which means only 9:50 CA time so I am ready for my night to begin, but my sisters are in bed reading and my dad is asleep. So...although I am whining about my family's sleeping schedule it is a perfect time for me to do some blogging!!!!!! Hell yeah!!!! Today has been a day of change. I typically welcome change in my life despite the strees that it can cause. I started this morning at about 8:30 and got ready to drive about 2 hours down to Ontario, CA for my flight. God answered my prayers of little traffic for which I am grateful since I left 15 minutes later than I had hoped. The parking lot by the airport made me feel like I was the last man alive after the apocalypse. There was a giant 1 story building that seemed to be shut down, and the parking lot was full of cars with not 1 person in sight. It was kind of eerie. Anyways, my bus driver was pretty friendly and dropped me off at the ExpressJet terminal and I quickly proceeded through check-in and customs in about 20 minutes total. The man who checked my I.D. and pass told me a funny joke along the way due to him spotting the instrument on my back. He said, "what do you get when a piano falls down a mining shaft." "I don't know I said." "You get a flat miner?" Pretty good joke if you ask me. I had about an hour to kill so I walked to the end of the terminal to the restroom. The man next to me in the stall was clearly having gas issues and after each fart let out a loud. Auuuuurgggghhhhh as if he was relieved/felt like a badass? It was pretty comical. Sorry for the potty humor. The most exciting part of my travel was the interaction I had will this family of three of which two were in front of me, the father and the 18 mo. old Victoria Lee "Tori" and the mother who sat across the aisle. The family was probably not a very wealthy family given the dental hygeine and clothing, and this would not be relevant had it not been for some of the changes that are going on inside me....
Last night I watched Into the Wild which was a really good movie and even better book, but the reason my interaction on the flight had significance was due to some of what I learned during the movie. Alex/Chris meets a great couple who's names are Jan and Edaine. They were kind of hick meets white trash, but Chris/Alex becomes great friends with these people and learns/teaches them. He does not care who they are, what they have done, NOR what they look like, he meets them and becomes family. I thought about this part of the story while I was on the plane, and I wondered who I felt like I related to more on the plane. Whether it was the pretty rich girl just across from Tori or the family who seemed to love eachother very much and were from a different social group than me. I think I related better to the latter. I enjoyed watching the family interact and how loving the father (who had a sweet mullet by the way) was to his little girl as she screamed her head off during takeoff and landing, because she did not want to sit still. I even got to play about 20 minutes of peek-a-boo and funny faces with Tori as she persistently would put her head over the back of her seat. I think I was somewhat of a relief to the parents as my silly games kept her distracted 90% of the landing. The mother and father and I exchanged great smiles and laughs each time Tori would chuckle and bury her head in her daddy when I booed. The interesting thing to note was how as the family was initially taking their seats, I felt as if we were going to have some sort of connection or cool interaction during the flight, and once again praise the Lord for this little time. The mother and I got to talk for a short bit about Victoria Lee and what a sweet spirit she was and how she thought she was already two. I told her a tiny bit about Westmont, and she told me a bit about her family and it was just a cool time. I want to keep that family in my thoughts, so what better way to do it than through this blog.
The reason this was so impactful to me was the fact that I understood better not only my walls and prejudices, but how with an open mind and the Lord, those could be broken, and I could relate to more people than I think. I know that I am not alone in this world, I am not the only one who fears being alone, and I know that God has a plan for that family and for me. I want to keep the kind words of the mother in my mind when she said, "Good luck with everything" as I walked to the front of the plane. And I pray the same for them. Especially cute little Tori.

Prayer

2008-07-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

I would first like to start off by saying how very hard it is to think of one thing to write about from my day. This is frequently a very stressful and indecisive time for me as I sit in front of my computer pondering what was the funiest, saddest, or most impactful thing of the day. It is hard for me as I tend to bounce from thought to thought during the day and am a natural feeler. Things that may have affected at the time can tend to get lost in my braing forever as my emotions change. Although I am grateful for this character trait at times, it can also be pretty damn annoying. A case of this would be when my boss told me this morning, "it has been a pleasure having you here this summer. I just wanted you to know that." The emotions of surprise, gratefulness, and sincerity all filled my mind, and instead of acknowledging his kind words, I simply said, "thanks" as I walked away. "What a rude thing to respond with," I though as I went on my break. What about saying, "that means a lot, or I appreciate that or, it has with you as well". Not that a short response isn't great at times, but it reminded me a bit of my selfishness in not recognizing when others go maybe out of their way to say something kind and all I can do is say thanks or spend my day trying to beat their computer game scores. That was a bit of a sin check I thought.
But, going back to my feeling tendency, my emotions were quickly diverted, and if it weren't for this blog I may not have processed why I felt bad about that previous interaction. Moving on however, I was walking up to the post office as I do during each of my breaks, killing time, and pretending like there is even the slightest chance I might have mail (which I did http://www.arbonne.com/products/fyi/face/index.asp and they were female skin products...how sad) and I passed the Santa Barbara independent bearing the cover about the recent fires in Goleta. I got excited as I skimmed through it to find the days crossword puzzle, and another article caught my eye. This article was about the Fourth of July stabbings on Cabrillo. It said that there was one killed who was killed and two others who were injured. The scary thing about it is that I was in between the locations of the death and the injuries only about 3 miles apart. Cop cars were blaring as I walked back to our site on by the beach and they were speeding west to east. I remeber thinking how scary it was and giving an honest yet very half-assed prayer saying I hope nobody was too injured. I also thought how scary it was for the people crossing the street not knowing when a cop car would come flying through a red light. I was in essence thinking more about my own comfort than that of the mere kids who were in physical pain. Did I not think that something bad really could happen so close? Did I not think it was important to take 5 minutes to pray for the whole scene? It was not only saddened by my thoughts of arrogance as I walked past a group of people who were being questioned by the cops after the firework display, but I was also saddened by my lack of care. I have started learning more about the power of prayer through Richard Foster's The Celebration of Discipline, and here was a perfect opportunity to really pray and believe it and hope that God would do something. I am careful to say my prayer would have really affected the situation, but aren't there examples of stories just like that in the bible. Who's to say that if more people prayed ardent and honest prayers of intercession during that time that the boys would not have been kept from pain and death?
I can only hope and hold onto the truth that God will make something beautiful out of this disaster, the one visible and the one invisible and hidden in my heart.

A simple yet rewarding day

2008-07-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

So......I just couldn't wait to tell you all how my goal achieving was going. I successfully beat my boss on Puzzle mode of Snood with a score of ~160,000 to beat his score by about 2,000 points. Beating the record was stressful as it caused me to lose track of all space and time, as I spent 15 more minutes in the office passing level by level after starting at about 4:40. He is in for a surprise tomorrow when he covers my 10 minute shift. tehehehe....I wonder if my spirit will ever change?

A simple day

2008-07-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

So today I have not done much productive so far. However I had some cool stuff happen. I was looking on the iTunes store and found a free audiobook of The Alchemist which was really exciting, because I have wanted to read it, am obsessed with reading, and think audiobooks are badass but too expensive. So it was quite a find and I have already listened to 40 mintues out of 4 hrs. and 15 min. I am also really excited to listen to the weekly free podcast called "This American Life" to which Adam introduced me. I have never been very good at small talk, have been good at medium talk, and excelled I suppose at ?large? talk? What I am saying is that I think I have found new ways in which to small and medium talk with people for which I am grateful, because I can sort of awkward sometimes I think. But I digress.

Despite the fact I have not really done much today I have in fact set a goal for the day. It has been a recurring goal as I have yet to fulfill it, but in essence it has been a way to quench my competitive spirit. When I first came to work at the switchboard I was introduced to Snood which is a game where you shoot colored gems/balls into a preset map of these mixed colors. The object is to bounce the gem off the wall or not and have it touch another of the same color that is already in place. By making set of three or more of the same colors, these gems will fall and anything that is not attached and is below the gems that fell will fall as well. The gems move closer as you try to remove all the gems to win. It is pretty fun and time consuming, but most imortantly I have the highest score on EVIL difficulty. RARRRRRRRR, but the premise of my goal has come out of the fact that I do not have all the high scores (sound like Mario Kart Em and Lan?) for all the modes of the games. Easy, medium, hard, child, journey, custom. These are not even challenges so I don't waste my time, but Journey mode is where the frustration all started. I had the high score until about a week ago; my boss beat it twice since then. How he managed to do this, I have yet to learn? Needless to say I am pissed. I rationalize that he has gotten lucky and has been given the right colors at the right time, but two clear victories for him does not support this conclusion. So.....I AM GOING TO BEAT HIM. I don't care how long it takes, because I have all the time in the world. In the meantime it is proving to be a humbling experience that is probably good for my well-being, or maybe not.

I have also started to read Blue Like Jazz again which I am pretty excited about. Donald Miller is pretty funny with how he simplifies life and he loves to have a good laugh at himself which I enjoy as well. Please tell me what you think of it, call me to talk about it, share your favorite parts, etc... Okay, that's all folks and je vous-aime.

Like a River

2008-07-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

Today I finished Peace Like a River, by Leif Enger and was thoroughly challenged and encouraged by it. It has so much symbolism and underlying meaning that I wish I was better at comprehending literature as it was always my weak point on standardized testing. Anyways, if you have not read the book and are hoping to some time soon, I would suggest you not read the italics. One way that I think the book has taught me is through the simplicity of God and how he relates to the characters in the novels. Miracles simply become a way of life as the father walks on air, prays for guidance, and multiplies food. These instance in addition to many other create somewhat of a simplistic picture of how we can and should commune with God. Jeremiah talks to God alone yet out loud. He paces, yells, whispers, knowing the Lord is in fact present. I wonder how different my life would be if I actually thought God was capable of carrying on a normal conversation with me and if I felt "confident" to speak out loud to the Lord.

At the end of the novel when Jeremiah is shot and he and Reuben are in the Other world running through the fields and along the river, I was given a renewed visual of heaven. Reuben feels at home and comfortable and longs to stay in that place with the others who are singing songs outside the golden city. I wish I could do what Reuben did, to walk in the fields and gardens and hear the singing of the river. To be so close to home would be an experience in itself. I wonder how my life would be different having been there; would I life my life as if I might be there tomorrow? Would I love others out of the assurance and joy of knowing that heaven is real and that God truly loves me? Or would I live selfishly, hoping only to pass the time to reach the final prize? Would I act arrogantly and hide my light from others, hoarding the joy and truth that I have received?

I wonder however, have I been there already? God knew me before I was born; does that mean I was fully in his presence when I entered this world? Was I wrapped in the mind and love of God before he put me on earth. I like to think this is true. Heaven is my true home, I was born there just as I was born into my earthly house. I have left, entered a new world, a world of my own outside of my family, and will return, just as I will return to my home in the presence of the Lord, or into the River. With this thought in mind, my life is not much different than Jeremiah's. I have been there and now I am called to choose how to live. There is where I need help. Reuben puts this best. "All I can do is say. Here's how it went. Here's what I saw. I've been there and am going back. Make of it what you will".

My First Blog Entry

2008-07-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone-

So a few people have started blogs recently and now it has been put on my mind. My sister, my friend Adam, Barret, Ian Dywer and my roomate Mike Bennett have all told me in various ways about their blogs, and initially I thought it sounded kind of lame (typical me response) but I thought I might give it a chance. I love being able to read about the kinds of experiences that these people have encountered whether they are sad, encouraging or merely funny. Nevertheless I have also always wanted to be journaling more as the times were few and far between and what a great way to do this. So I am officially a blogger. Hmmmm what do I want to talk about today....

Once upon a time there was a guy named Evan who worked at his college and answered phones all day. He sat the at his little desk playing games on the computer, reading, and listening to music. However, doing this very mundane task for 8 hours left space for the very interesting and funny happenings that only appear once or twice every eight hours if you are in the same spot. For instance, today Evan was talking to a gruff old man who was blabbering on about big parking lots and circles in attempt to describe Westmont's campus, but as I could feel the heat rising off his face through the phone he suddenly became too exasperated and decided to hang up as if the simple answers to Evan's questions were beginning to clog his larynx. Evan however, was not entirely perfect on the job this particular day (or any day for that matter). He was completely po-jangled, owned, or pwned by a "scam salesman" whose name was Jim and was calling about the copy-machine. Evan ignorantly thought, oh yeah that makes sense, and asked, " which copy machine was it," to which "Jim" responded, "oh the one right there in the office...we just need to get an update on its serial number." Evan then put the man on hold, received an annoyed, "who was it?" from his boss and proceded to transfer the "scam-man" to said boss. And that concludes the story of "How Evan Got Pojangled by Scam Man"(here's to you Marissa). Peace and love