Who I Am

Three nights ago I got to spend some good time with my great friend Barret. It was awesome catching up, sharing stories, competitive frustrations, and just being together. It was definitely a replenishing time for me getting out and knowing that I have great friends outside of Clark who care for me and know me. There are many good friends who have done this in other ways and I am really appreciative. The Lord has blessed me with close friends!
Last night I also went out with Adam B. and had such a great time sharing stories about RA stuff thus far and hearing about his difficult and enlightening experience. It was cool hearing his perspective and very detailed and honest advice or things that he wished he would have done or not done. That was very beneficial to me as I have been struggling with trying to push myself to be more intentional or more convicted about little things such as my joking or my language. The problem for me thus far has been that I have also felt like I haven't been myself some too. I have been much more worrisome or more strict when it comes to the guys in my section, and although I know pushing myself is a good thing it is not something that will happen overnight. I want to be more patient with change in myself because if I totally abandon the old self then I will forget who I am and what really makes me me. And that is a scary thing. Adam helped me to be more relaxed and realize that I just need to be myself. I don't have to be this huge authority figure who can come off fake when I am so intentional and forcing conversation or activities.
Another fear that I have for the year is the fear that I will not truly depend on God even in the really small and simple things. Adam said, "you are a capable person and because of that you can go through the year and not spend much time with God or read your Bible etc... and you will still do an okay job. People will still say you were a good RA." However, I know that any of the successes will only be from my own strength and not only will I be less likely to acknowledge that it has been God's work, but I will have ceased to be true and dependant on the Lord. I do not want this to happen so I sincerely and fearfully know the Lord and pray for a very difficult year as I wish to be more like Him, and I seek to love Him more.
This is me and this is my baggage (along with much more), but I hope that this knowledge will spur me to actually be with Him and rest in Him knowing that I am a beautiful creation and it is me with my problems and gifts that is the S&Q RA.

RA

So....being an RA has definitely already caused me to be uncomfortable, unsure, and joyful as well. I have had some hard times feeling like I'm not the greatest RA because I am not the guy that gets everyone pumped on testosterone and hollering loud sounds. I have felt unsure about my ability to treat everyone with just as much concern and love and alos how to connect with some that are more quiet, or more loud, or more awkward. So I have definitely done my share of second guessing and beating myself up over not feeling present enough, or not saying the right things, or not handling a situation better. But, the promising thing is that I am learning and I am being stretched. Former RA's weren't kidding when they promised this would happen. But at the same time I have been incredibly encouraged by fellow staff members who have reminded me that I was chosen to be here with these men for some reason, whatever it may be, and although that is a lot to ask of me it is also comforting. A few of my guys have said very kind words such as, "I want to be an RA now like you," and "thanks so much for taking us to the beach and driving, it is really cool that you want to spend time with us and invest in us, it's pretty cool." A fellow staff member also said that he was thinking about RA's and said that if he could have an RA he would want someone like me. Those were some of the kindest words I know the Lord is giving me these things to sustain me or to remember when I won't fell recognize or when I am feeling bad about my RA abilities. With all this mental processing going on it is hard to be thinking a ton about classes or family or other things that may not be staring me right in the face, so I hope that things will calm down and that I will be able to do more things that I enjoy doing or be able to follow through on other things that I need to take care of. Pray for me, my section, and my ability to discern what to be adamant for or against and what things to let my residents find out on their own.

Let the Games Begin

Today all of the Clark residents will arrive to find their home for the next 9 months! It is a pretty insane thought. Most of these people have never been to college, gotten sick away from home, or shared a room with a total stranger. However, many of these people have not been challenged in their faith, started on a degree, or met some of the best friends of their life. This is why my life will be full of blessings for this last school. I get to be a part of 24 men's struggles, new encounters, friendships, and spiritual journies. What a great thing this is. I am so excited which is obvious as those of you who read the time of this post may have noticed. It is 3 am and I could probably go running or do crazy things as I am so excited.
I feel completely blessed by each person on my staff and look forward to getting to know everyone more deeply as I will be sharing stories, frustrations, and advice with most of them. I have always found it very easy to connect well with people, but I have always had this sense that I could withdraw or leave if I didn't like the group of people or if I wasn't feeling great. But, for one of the first times in my life I feel somewhat trapped. I don't really like it but at the same time I am loving it. I feel like I must fully immerse myself in this group of people and into this ministry of being an RA, and I can't just leave. I can't do things on my own and I can't quit.
I know from the word that I am prepared for what is ahead even though I do not feel prepared in many ways. But tonight we had a final Residence Life service time where we were read quotes, given carpenter pencils, and meditated on being with the Lord and praying. It was very hard for me to keep my mind on the Lord and to focus my thought on myself and my weaknesses or the ways that I needed help. So I just decided to watch some other people shave their pencils and I prayed one word for a few of them. I prayed for strength for one, peace, grace, confidence, love, change.
And as I watched the candle in the center of the group this poem came to me.

I am a candle at dusk

I flicker in the ever changing breeze

My movements are unpredictable

So is the wind

The wind is my God

I wag and shake and am strained in a harsh breeze

But I do not go out

I stand still in the quiet and glow

My fuel has an end

Only the wind will decide how long I will last

It may be short

It may be long

But I burn just the same

I am a candle at night

The darkness surrounds me

It will not change me

I am a slave to the wind

But I am free to shine loudly

Debriefing...lol

Debriefing is close to one of the most frequently used words during Imprint. But overall a very good word that is useful in externally processing an experience that was difficult or during which we may have changed. I know that Imprint was both challenging and changing. However as I am a pretty slow processor I do know know completely the ways in which I changed, but I can feel a difference.
The Funky Flamingo team was amazing. I know for a fact that I would not have asked to trade any of them for another person. We were truly a group of very different people who found commonality in our relationship with God and through the climbs of the trip. We went through Sequoia national park starting at Mineral City on to Franklin Lake, over the past to Forester Lake and then returning.
We hiked through hail and rain and hot sun. We swam in lakes, built shelters, ate, talked, and were a community. It was neat to see how such a different group of people could come together so well.
Personally however, a few of the best highlights for me were getting to know Nancy well and sharing passions as far as counseling. She is definitely a good friend and I am honored to know her. I also had a good talk with Chris and I learned more about his family and his first year at Westmont. I also loved swimming in the cold ass lake with Beca. Cathy and I were great marmots in our skit, and Mike and I shared about our experiences this summer.
Three that really stood out for me though were when Vanassa asked me how I thought I was being challenged during the trip. It was heartwarming to know that she did care about me and that we were closer and will become even better friends as we work together in Clark. I also enjoyed trading packs with our guide Steve. I was able to pray for him and get to know him better during the trip. A really cool thing was how much he reminded me of my dad. He had similar humor, sayings, and quirks. It was almost as if me dad was there the whole time, and yet I gained a really good friend and role-model. I also felt honored to find out that when I ran back down the hill to help Steve get two packs on his back that that was a highlight of the trip for him. He is a man I want to be more like. He makes everyone feel treasured by his humble and cheerful spirit.
The last thing that was very difficult and changing for me was during our solo night. I was the last to be dropped off so Steve prayed for me and told me to go up and hopefully find a place. Little did he know he would have to go a ways up a 60 degree incline to check on me before sunset. I found a ledge that was flat but bumpy about 10 feet from the edge of about a 35 foot drop. The view was exhilirating. I could see the whole lake and down into the valley. I spent about 13 hours up there alone trying to get time in with the Lord. The thing that kept me from it was the fact that I decided to go without a sleeping bag for the night. This meant that I had only a sleeping pad tarp and layers to keep me warm in the 32 and below degree weather for the night. I was pretty scared before the night knowing it would be really cold and that there were in fact bears in the area. So About an hour before the sun set I wrote this poem.

The sun shines hard
A few hours left
I feel fine
times will change

As the orb is lowered
I fear the night
Must I go through this?
No, I get to

I feel a breeze
I hear a breeze
It is the sound of flowing water
It has no choice but to follow its path

Will I be cold?
The shadows creep up the ledges
I want ease
The sun shines hard and reminds me of the present

The cold will come
I do not feel prepared
I AM
anxious and anticipating

Trials may come
I am not alone
Things will be hard
I consider it joy

I get to persevere
The Lord is good
the sun lowers
I will rest in his bosom

That is a pretty good summation of how my life has gone these past couple months. Many of the things represent difficulties in our life which correspond to the difficult and freezing night that is on the horizon. I spent almost all night changing sleeping positions, checking the distance the moon moved, and standing up to stomp in place and try warm up my legs. Needless to say, I wished I was able to pray more or meditate more, but all I could think of were ways in which to warm myself. But in response I wrote this poem at about 4:30-5 am.

I see light blue
The color of hope
I forget the cold
for a moment

My breath goes invisile
The great night light is useless now
Thank God for change

"Oh my God, Oh my God
Praise Jesus"
my first words
Am I grateful for this trial?
I will be

The sun will also rise for another
One whose coldness is mere part of each day
He is cold and hungry
Help him to see the light blue

You are the sun
You are the changes
You are the cold
You are our hope

The shadows reced
I wish to feel warmth
I do not want to wait
But I do, I know what is awaiting

Imprint!

So I was very excited today as all the RA's were together today. Not only all of Clark, but all of Westmont RA's. It was overwhelming and scary to see everyone but exciting at the same time. I am officially in the Funky Flamingo group led by Stu, Kathy, and Steve. I am super excited. The group is Hannah Moore, Chris Bachler, Becca Lee, Nancy Sheih, Vanassa Hamra, Jesse Garcia, and Mike Bennett. I am so excited especially since our staff seems to be getting along well and enjoying eachother. I am just incredibly blessed to have great friends outside and inside Clark. God is good and has an awesome year ahead for me.

A New Day

I thought a lot today about how/when/and why I felt so sad. I know specifically what small things in life hurt, I know larger things that are an open wound, and ultimately I realized that sometimes the weight of sin can just come crashing down at once. It is a giant weight, a weight that I absolutely cannot lift alone. I am grateful for a savior who not only comforts me with time but also through friends who show a deep care for me. I hink Ray LaMontagne gives a very interesting and poetic face to the sorrow I felt and that humans feel when the weight of sin is on our shoulders. These lyrics are found at http://artists.letssingit.com/ray-lamontagne-lyrics-empty-sh7vr88 and are the lyrics to his song "Empty".

"she lifts her skirt up to her knees,walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
i never learned to count my blessings, i choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
i walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
on past the busted back of that old and rusted cadillac that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged......

well i looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
you see, i've been to hell and back so many times, i must admit you kind of bore me.
there's a lot of things that can kill a man, there's a lot of ways to die, listen, some already did that walked beside me.
there's alot of things i don't understand,why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged"

Processing the Lonesome

Yesterday was a day full of mixed feelings. It started off abruptly as I awoke 5 minutes before I had to be at the Montecito YMCA. I met the kids that I would be "counseling" for the day and we set off towards magic mountain. I learned a lot yesterday about how to discipline and love on kids at the same time. It was really cool seeing how giving them choices and allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions knowing the consequences is really empowering to them even though they may not like it. It was fun joking around with the three boys and learning more about their lives and trying to understand why what they have experienced/are experiencing with family can affect their actions and thoughts. Elyse was a great partner with the kids and on the roller-coasters. I am very thankful to her for allowing me to be in that environment and spend a day at an amusement park. I definitely felt more in my element with the kids. I know that I would love to do teaching or counseling of some sort after I graduate. But, going back to the amusement park, it was amazing. We went on Tatsu, X2, Goliath, Scream, Riddler's Revenge, and Superman. Out of them all I think Tatsu was my favorite roller-coaster.

     I used to be afraid of roller-coasters but I was thinking yesterday about the story that the grandmother gives about life and how life is boring without the roller-coasters and that it is not exciting to ride the ferris-wheel. The ferris-wheel representing a life without problems and flexibility. I can relate very much so to this story. I know that I come from a more perfect and pristine view on life. I know that perfection, avoiding mistake, etc.. come from my family and therefore embrace it when it is useful, yet hate it when the perfectionism fogs my perspective. I pray therefore, for a balance of the two. I know that life is full of surprises. Things will go wrong and according to M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult." However regarding my blog post title. I remembered yesterday that life is full of sorrows as well. 

     Last night was a very lonely time as I felt insecure about who I was, guilty for all the ways that I am weak and sinful, I was worried about the future, about life after college, mostly about my relationships, I was grieving the sadnesses in my life that make me feel isolated and alone. It is not an easy thing being alone, feeling that things will change, people will move in and out of your life, things must be pushed through and not avoided. Ultimately, I know I will see the finish line. I will reach the goal to which I am called. And I try to take peace in knowing that the Work, the Lord has begun will be finished before He returns. But for now I am sad. Please pray for me and let me remeber that in order for trouble to go away or for things to change, that I must go through it, not around it. 

     

Where to Begin

Oregon was awesome! Played v-ball, saw a wedding, went on atv's hung out, played games, enjoyed people, grew, watched owls, played tennis, lived a dream for 4 days. I don't know how to explain it much more. But if you talk to me in person I would love to tell stories.
I just recently restarted The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck M.D. and it has begun to rekindle my huge desire for counseling and my passion for psychology. It is a very heavy book yet has many truths that I remember yet others that are new because of the changes that I have gone through. I would make a large recommendation to others to read it and maybe spend about 3 months reading it. Anyways, I am excited about it but kind of scared because it will change me. But bring it on right? A cool thing I just read from it was this. "Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit." I know this is and has been true for me. I also find comfort in the fact that although it is hard for me to actually take a step in changing things, I know I live my life with this in my head and have rarely encountered a problem and not thought this very thing. Now I just have to use this knowledge to make a change.
I can't realy think of anything else I want to say, but I love you all. Really.

What a DAY!

Yesterday was one of the best summer days in SB. It started at about 10 am when Joe and I went to get an electric pump for the day's entertainment. A 12 ft. in diameter water trampoline and a 8ish ft. inflatable boat with ores. We all: Tanner, Joe, Ryan, Craig, and I got ready with guac. PB and J, drinks, granola bars, etc. We arrived at east beach and spent about 30 minutes blowing up the trampoline just on the side of the road. After putting on sunscreen and eating we set out towards the nearest bouey. Ryan and I rowed as the others swam alongside the tramp. We hooked the two around a bouy and went crazy. The tramp was very hard to get on when you are in the water, so it was quite a workout. A guy named Ricky who was playing in the VB tournament swam out ot us just to check it out and say hi. He was a mechanical engineer who went to school at cal poly. How random and cool. We then relaxed and played some king of the hill. Which was pretty dang sweet. After some more activities we decided to row out to a boat/ship. We asked the only guy aboard if we could come up and check it out. His name was Ezra and he and his family lived on the boat. He was 19 and has been boating for over 2 years. We were are so excited to be on the boat and learning about what it is like not only to live like that but also how to navigate a boat that big. It was AWESOME. After a little while we got back on are more deflated boat and trampoline, gave him our numbers so he could hang out if he came into town, as he had no idea when his parents would come back. The rest of the beach day included Joe burying Craig up to his head while standing up, playing vollayball, and watching intense backgammon. Afterwards, we had pizza at our apartment, with Heather and Becca, Tanner and Joe's girlfriend and fiancee and we watched Parenthood! Can you beat that??? Despite my picture I really was having a blast.

I'm Moody

Today was just one of those days when you are kind of irritable the whole day. I was pretty frustrated with how I acted in some situations. I was realy mean but I was just kind of thoughtless and didn't hold my tongue well. I hope I can forgive myself for acting unloving today. It is difficult sometimes for me to understand times when I am just flat out being rude, or whether there is a good reason for my frustration, or whether my discomfort is really just my introverted spirit that is screaming for alone time. I think the third happens more frequently because I can tend o feel like people aren't respecting my alone time which really isn't their problem, but my lack of communication about them. But nevertheless, I think I can just easily get mad or frustrated when I need my space and for some reason can't get it. I could use prayer that I would be able to use that time wisely and would be able to come out of it refreshed and with a renewed sense of patience and joy to enter my more interacting side of life. I think a good sleep will do me good too if I don't stay up way too late playing Adventure Quest (thanks John :))