Work

So I have been thinking a lot about work recently. I find it quite fitting as it has quickly become my life. My fun events are no planned around when I beat a quest in a Zelda game or when my last kill in Halo 3 will be. They are planned around when I get off work, and when I NEED to go to sleep in order to function at work.

Over the past couple years I have come to recognize just how much of a free spirit I am. I love driving around town and walking the streets to see what shop or restaurant or people will catch my eye. I find that I need this type of part in my day. So like all things in life, I have begun to schedule these times around my work schedule. I may head downtown alone for lunch to eat Chipotle.

One of the reasons why I like my job a lot right now is that I feel very free. I never really knew what it would be like to have so much responsibility in the things for which I get paid. I am able to schedule my own 6 week calendar of travel paid for completely by Westmont. It is a cool and scary to think about all the dollars that are going into my "research" and travel about where I will go, and whom I will see, and HOW I will see them. But it is cool indeed.

One big dilemma that has arisen is the issue of how much of work I "bring" from work. Do I talk about work when I get off or is it really important for me to leave those things at the office. I have had a pretty hard time with this, as I notice how much it makes me un-relatable. I spend over 8 hours of my day with the same people doing the same things, and that is a third of my day. It is weird. But I have come to realize that it really is okay. I know that I am no longer in college. The things that I do will never be the same, and work really is a big part of my life now. It is my mission and it is my passion. I think I understand more what it means to do one thing and to do it well. I strive for this in my work.

So as I sit here sipping my glass of wine and being alone after my 8:30am-10pm day of work I feel good. My clothes are ironed and soon I will sleep. I will fade into my dreams and process whatever is on my mind. And tomorrow I will wake, the same as any other day. But, with a different schedule and with something new to be anxious or excited about. And hopefully I will have some sort of party to attend or people to see after my "work" is done.

The Troubadour

So I was sitting here and wondering what to say, and I decided to write about my experience at the Greg Laswell concert at the Troubadour in L.A. The venue was a great despite the sweat that resulted as people were standing shoulder to shoulder and front to back. And although the music was great and the environment was unique, my favorite part of the show was that I stood next to Elijah Wood for about 1.5 hours. The thing that struck me was not the many jokes that I thought of to say such as,"I'm hoping to visit New Zealand, would you mind telling me how to get to the Shire, oh and are those gross orcs still roaming the land," but the collection of thoughts that came from observation. My thoughts resulted from curiosity about his life. What would it be like to go around and have every single person know you? How would you act in public, and what would drive your decisions? I felt trapped for him. I watched as he looked directly ahead, avoiding a tilt of the head, or a shift of the eyes, and I wanted to tell him it was okay. He could do what he wanted, look around without fear, yell, and be free. It was in that moment that I was happy to be me. Despite being able to tap my foot and look around, I was able to watch a famous person (and he couldn't). In no way am I saying I have a better life, or saying he must not be happy. But it made me think more about the differences and the similarities we (all humans) share.

There are so many things in life that are great equalizers. When one leaves for college, when one graduates, or when one begins their relationship with Christ; these things remind that we are all the same. My green eyes may be different than the deep brown eyes of my sister, or my love for volleyball, different than Craig's love of guitar, but deep down we need the same things, and I love being reminded of this. Which is why I look anxiously and excitedly to the greatest equalizer of all, death. When all will be judged for what they did or didn't do in this blip of time we call our life. How beautiful it will be. To look past one another's faults or successes, and to see them, naked and vulnerable, and yet complete. When I will be held responsible for my life, and when I along will every single human being, will no longer fear. We will all be able to shout, and look around, and tap our feet to the beat (sometimes the little things make the biggest differences).

On a very different note, I decided to edit and revise my blog post today, so I hope it is less ridden with grammar mistakes, and spelling issues, and poor writing. But I desire to fix my writing issues through this blog as well. And if you wish to do the same, here are a few pointers from, "The Elements of Style," by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White.

"4. Write with nouns and verbs

Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place. This is not to disparage adjectives or adverbs; they are indispensable parts of speech. Occasionally they surprise us with their power, as in

Up the airy mountain,

Down the rushy glen,

We daren't go a-hunting

For fear of little men...

The nouns mountain and glen are accurate enough, but had the mountain not become airy, the glen rushy, William Allingham might never have got off the ground with his poem. In general, however, it is nouns and verbs, not their assistants, that give good writing its toughness and color."

New Perspective

So I have been having a blog crisis lately. I think of the different reasons for which I update on my blog. My feelings range from the loneliness to pride as I think that nobody is listening or that everyone is. And believe me, I have hoped for both while I have been writing on my blog. So with all that in mind I have decided to continue my blog exactly how it has been!

The only real change is that I am hoping to actually use it... So many of my friends and those very close to me have had a blog for a while or have just begun, and the things I love the most are how people use them for different ways. They are used to update others on their happenings in life, or the blogs are a way of expressing thoughts of emotions that come from big events or daily stories. Ultimately, I love it. I have found it to be a great step in learning how to communicate. I typically end my day without having expressed all that I am thinking or feeling, and I want to have a hard copy. It is just like reading a book that I can hold and touch as opposed to reading it off of a computer screen.

So, in conclusion, I hope to be blogging more in this upcoming season. And I expect and hope to see all of you (this is the time where I hope you are reading my blog) blogging more as it brings me great joy to get those little bits and pieces that are dying to leave your mind and heart.

Potter's Clay

Potter's Clay!!!!

Most of you know exactly what this is, but for any of you who are unaware, Potter's Clay is a week long missions trip to Ensenada Mexico. There are different teams ranging from VBS, Sports, Med/Dent, Prayer and Worship, and construction. This year I had the great opportunity to be lead a construction team who built the second story of the church Nueva Cancion, New Song. This was one of the most wonderful experiences that was full of joy, laughter, danger and tears. Getting to know the pastor who would be using the church was one of the greatest opportunities that I have been able to have. Lalo and Felie and David and Jayelle, and Daniella were the names of the family members for which we served. Coming away from the trip has been a really tough experience. During the course of the week, our team bonded really well and had some really great times. Our contractors, Jim and Todd were such amazing men of God who worked tirelessly and were such men of God. They trusted us well and challenged us during the week to stretch ourselves and to learn some of the in's and out's of construction. On Thursday, our contractor Todd had a terrible accident and was electrocuted by 13,000 volts and was feet from falling of a 30ft. roof. Jim caught him from falling and the ambulance lowered him from the roof after about 30 minutes, to ensure he was stable enough to move. He is doing pretty well considering the circumstances, but has suffered 4th degree burns on his head and 1st and 2nd on his arm and torso. He was definitely in the Lords hands and was kept safe as a lot of things could have gone very wrong. How greatly our Lord provides in time of need and how he prepares each and every one of us for anything and everything that comes to pass. That was the focus of one of my prayers before the event, that we would remember that we are prepared for anything and everything and that the Lord will not give us anything we cannot handle.

Leading was such a neat experience for me and difficult at times as well. My past experience leading had been a very difficult and hard experience for me so I was nervous about having something like that happen again, and there were a lot of insecurities hanging around my ability to lead a construction team with my limited ability and knowledge of it. I also felt insecure in whether or not I was really meant to lead and feeling bad in the ways in which I could speak more to the pastor and the family and longing for the ability to speak their language and communicate and tell them how much it meant to be a part of their community. Sometimes it felt like just being present or giving eye contact said a lot, but I was broken for the ways in which I wanted to be more involved in the community and with the people of Ensenada. I saw other members feel more confident in their communication, or others be very able and capable in the areas of construction and I found myself facing so many of my insecurities and inability. I wanted to be able to forget these feelings and to not be so inwardly focused, but it was so hard. So now I am in a time of processing and thinking about what I can learn from this experience and how I want to be confident and secure in my abilities and the things that I did do really well. I want so badly to be able to change and to grow from this, but it seems like there is so much to decompress and unpack that I feel overwhelmed, so that is why I am writing in this blog.

I want to be a different person. I want to be confident and selfless. I want to love others despite the ways that I can't and be able to see that although I am weak and unable that the Lord will do so much beyond my ability and despite my insecurities. I want to do and not to worry and go inot things feeling like the Lord will be there and will use me in mighty ways. I don't want to be about abilities and things and my posessions. I want to live freely without them and not be chained down by the glamour and materialism. My dorm room has nicer equipment than the whole church had combined. I feel so small and insignificant, and yet that I am gifted with so many things. I want to sell my things and give them away. I want to see people and give gifts and spend time with others. I don't want to do homework. I want to just be in my room and seek out others and love them because I have nothing to lose. That I have lost everything so there is no more fear. I want to walk down the streets singing the Lord's praises knowing that there is nothing I can do without him and nothing that can hurt me. That the Lord is good and He will provide. I want people to love and to care for one another and to recognize the pain and the sadness and be a part of the healing. I want to be grateful and live a life of gratitude for my family and my friends and my education, and my food, and my bed, and my underwear. How gifted I am and what do I do with all these things? I well up in myself and my things and I roll around in the praises of others, and I come away feeling more guilty and more incomplete than ever before. I don't want praises, but I want Jesus. Lord please do a mighty work in me, and I know it may take a long time for me to truly learn so many of these things with which I am wrestling, but please he me to know that now I am. That now I can rely on you and that through my weakness, you are strong that you can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. Help me to be here now and to make decisions that store up treasure in heaven and not on earth. Amen.

The Saints

     I haven't blogged in a while, but I just had a lot on my mind today and had some weird and sad and cool thoughts today. It's strange the way life works sometimes and how God can make really sad times open our eyes to bigger things that we don't really recognize with our earthly vision. He definitely uses our sadness and our despair and grief to show us things about ourselves, and for me He frequently gives me the opportunity to come out of those feelings with just a small bit of knowledge of who HE is and what he REALLY can do. 

     I was driving to my aunt and uncle's today just thinking about hurt that close friends of mine are dealing with and also about my own hurt and pain that comes from knowing how broken I truly am and how I do exactly what I don't want to do. I can understand what Paul meant when he talked about this very thing, and I think there is a lot of grief that comes from really looking at myself and seeing all the shit and choices that I make every day that lead to more loneliness and sadness. So as most of you wont be surprised I cried. I cried with alone and ultimately with the Lord, because only He could hear me. 

     And along the way I remembered that I was being prayed for at that very moment. That there were multitudes of people that I knew and didn't know who were in heaven praying for me and that was true peace. I was never alone, and the saints pray with me and they pray for me. And some of them may have experienced exactly what I am going through and exactly what the people around me are going through, and they KNOW. They Know what we need and the Lord knows what we need. Tears of sorrow became tears of hope. 

     Just recently, my dear sister Emily shared a poem with me that she had written about me and for me, and it meant so much to me that I wanted to share it with all of you. I hope you get something out of it as I have. The poem is based on Ezekiel 11:19-20.

     A struggle of the flesh-left in darkness

          breeds a heart of stone

    Aslan's breath, light, the stone is softened

   God begins to restore

                        a heart of flesh

   His promise is coming true in you

   Yes you are his. Yes, He is your God.

REMEMBER! You are always His and that the saints pray for and with you.

BoaL

Tiredness. Sadness. Relaxation. Silence. Solitude. Sleep. Close. Alone. Guilt. Happiness. Uncomfortable. Anticipating.
I forget how to relax and how to move slowly. How to sleep in and know there is nothing waiting for me to wake up, nothing beckoning for my attention or expecting me to show up. It feels good and it feels lonely. I have so little to require my time that I look for things to waste it yet I avoid the things that will give me energy. I have not been here for a while. I wonder if this is what people mean when they say that people are afraid of solitude because they have to look at themselves. I hope not. I hope I am just tired and do not fear self-reflection. I haven't cried yet. I want to be able to weep for joy of the small but important trials that have been in my path the past couple weeks and for the exciting new changes that will come, but I can't yet. I can't quite feel.

The Fire Burns

     A couple weeks ago, a student said, "the fire burns," at chapel. It was meant to be a short phrase that the chapel speaker would turn into a song, and at the time it seemed like a poorly phrased corny "Christian" thing to say. Who would have thought that within two weeks, the fire would burn.  

     Less than forty-eight hours ago I was in my Hip-Hop dance class when three women came running in telling us that there was a fire and we needed to head up to the gym. It was kind of a shock as the women seemed somewhat distressed, but we all probably thought, it could never happen to me. As we walked outside I looked up the hill and saw a narrow but very tall flame that seemed like it was coming from the top of a tall building. At that point, panic had set in and all I could think to do was to say a short prayer before my RA duties would sink in. The whole school had been sent to the gym as we had practiced during the beginning of the year. The dorms were separated and the preview students were placed together in the back. I was shortly in charge of accounting for all of my residents and marking them off a list to ensure their safety. I couldn't really think straight as I had so many things on my mind, but I tried to stay calm and do what I could. The initial stress began to die down, but there were many tears and fears during that time. The gym also began to fill more and more with smoke until it looked like a fog had rolled in. 

    The night continued will small updates saying that all the buildings were safe at that point, even though we could see flames that appeared to be coming from campus, especially the prayer chapel, which later turned out to be completely untouched. However more updates continued saying that a few building had been lost. It was hard for me to believe that my building was safe considering its location and proximity to one of the burnt buildings. We also heard that our RD had lost his home to the fire at that time. I still had hope for some of my men. Most of my residents were trying to comprehend why this had to happened and it didn't seem fair to them as they had already gone trough tough things during the past week, not including the fact this was their first year at college. It was then that Mark informed me that the building of S had been lost, to which I merely broke down and cried. I didn't know what to say or how to say the news, and hoped that if I didn't it would go away, that it wouldn't be true. There were many tears and a lot of anger at this news but also somewhat of a peace for me about my belongings. I have prayed a couple times that past summer that I could find ways to give up some of my possessions and their attachment to me. I was sad however, I was confused. How could this happen to men who had just started college? This was our home! Many of us had brought very sentimental and valuable things to college that appeared to be lost in the fire. 

     It was a good reminder to know that everyone in my section was in the gym and were safe. I felt so weak and didn't know what to do for my men as I was in a bad place myself, but we prayed as a section and later I was lifted up by some of them again as they thanked God for all the blessing and for me. It was definitely a time of weakness and feeling insufficiency and I knew that my guys were men and that we had become a section who truly cared for one another. Many of us slept together in a group for the night and provisions were made in the morning for people to get away from school and stay at family and friends' homes. 

     I was able to go up to S and see the damage to the building. It was much more hopeful as I walked around downstairs and say that it was merely water damage but upstairs was in much worse condition. My room had a fair amount of salvageable things but the was no longer a roof and the floor was covered with debris. I am at peace with what I lost and what was spared and am thankful that my books journals, and art-work are safe. 

     My biggest fears and thoughts right now are wondering where I will live. I am not sure yet where I will be and I don't know if it has hit me that I will be living somewhere else. I deeply hope that my guys will find a good safe place to stay and most importantly hope that we will be close. Many of the Q residents have offered opening up their rooms to make triples and we have a lounge and an extra room to fill in if needed. But I am at this point not involved in the process of deciding what to do for these guys so I am having a hard time with that. I don't know how I will get my stuff that is safe or if they will just demolish everything, so I am afraid that I still wont see that stuff again. Especially since I was able to go in there once and could have grabbed more stuff at the time. I am sad for my guys who lost far more than me and for the women of M and the faculty who lost their whole home. I know that I have a home back in CO as a safe place, but many of the faculty lost their one and only residency. Please pray for me and for Stacey and for the faculty and staff that we will be at peace and that the best decisions would be made in the quickest time possible in order for the year to finish as best as it can. And praise God for keeping EVERYONE safe from the fire, including the people that lived in Montecito. It is clear that prayer can change things and has huge implications on our lives. I love you all and God bless

Who I Am

Three nights ago I got to spend some good time with my great friend Barret. It was awesome catching up, sharing stories, competitive frustrations, and just being together. It was definitely a replenishing time for me getting out and knowing that I have great friends outside of Clark who care for me and know me. There are many good friends who have done this in other ways and I am really appreciative. The Lord has blessed me with close friends!
Last night I also went out with Adam B. and had such a great time sharing stories about RA stuff thus far and hearing about his difficult and enlightening experience. It was cool hearing his perspective and very detailed and honest advice or things that he wished he would have done or not done. That was very beneficial to me as I have been struggling with trying to push myself to be more intentional or more convicted about little things such as my joking or my language. The problem for me thus far has been that I have also felt like I haven't been myself some too. I have been much more worrisome or more strict when it comes to the guys in my section, and although I know pushing myself is a good thing it is not something that will happen overnight. I want to be more patient with change in myself because if I totally abandon the old self then I will forget who I am and what really makes me me. And that is a scary thing. Adam helped me to be more relaxed and realize that I just need to be myself. I don't have to be this huge authority figure who can come off fake when I am so intentional and forcing conversation or activities.
Another fear that I have for the year is the fear that I will not truly depend on God even in the really small and simple things. Adam said, "you are a capable person and because of that you can go through the year and not spend much time with God or read your Bible etc... and you will still do an okay job. People will still say you were a good RA." However, I know that any of the successes will only be from my own strength and not only will I be less likely to acknowledge that it has been God's work, but I will have ceased to be true and dependant on the Lord. I do not want this to happen so I sincerely and fearfully know the Lord and pray for a very difficult year as I wish to be more like Him, and I seek to love Him more.
This is me and this is my baggage (along with much more), but I hope that this knowledge will spur me to actually be with Him and rest in Him knowing that I am a beautiful creation and it is me with my problems and gifts that is the S&Q RA.

RA

So....being an RA has definitely already caused me to be uncomfortable, unsure, and joyful as well. I have had some hard times feeling like I'm not the greatest RA because I am not the guy that gets everyone pumped on testosterone and hollering loud sounds. I have felt unsure about my ability to treat everyone with just as much concern and love and alos how to connect with some that are more quiet, or more loud, or more awkward. So I have definitely done my share of second guessing and beating myself up over not feeling present enough, or not saying the right things, or not handling a situation better. But, the promising thing is that I am learning and I am being stretched. Former RA's weren't kidding when they promised this would happen. But at the same time I have been incredibly encouraged by fellow staff members who have reminded me that I was chosen to be here with these men for some reason, whatever it may be, and although that is a lot to ask of me it is also comforting. A few of my guys have said very kind words such as, "I want to be an RA now like you," and "thanks so much for taking us to the beach and driving, it is really cool that you want to spend time with us and invest in us, it's pretty cool." A fellow staff member also said that he was thinking about RA's and said that if he could have an RA he would want someone like me. Those were some of the kindest words I know the Lord is giving me these things to sustain me or to remember when I won't fell recognize or when I am feeling bad about my RA abilities. With all this mental processing going on it is hard to be thinking a ton about classes or family or other things that may not be staring me right in the face, so I hope that things will calm down and that I will be able to do more things that I enjoy doing or be able to follow through on other things that I need to take care of. Pray for me, my section, and my ability to discern what to be adamant for or against and what things to let my residents find out on their own.

Let the Games Begin

Today all of the Clark residents will arrive to find their home for the next 9 months! It is a pretty insane thought. Most of these people have never been to college, gotten sick away from home, or shared a room with a total stranger. However, many of these people have not been challenged in their faith, started on a degree, or met some of the best friends of their life. This is why my life will be full of blessings for this last school. I get to be a part of 24 men's struggles, new encounters, friendships, and spiritual journies. What a great thing this is. I am so excited which is obvious as those of you who read the time of this post may have noticed. It is 3 am and I could probably go running or do crazy things as I am so excited.
I feel completely blessed by each person on my staff and look forward to getting to know everyone more deeply as I will be sharing stories, frustrations, and advice with most of them. I have always found it very easy to connect well with people, but I have always had this sense that I could withdraw or leave if I didn't like the group of people or if I wasn't feeling great. But, for one of the first times in my life I feel somewhat trapped. I don't really like it but at the same time I am loving it. I feel like I must fully immerse myself in this group of people and into this ministry of being an RA, and I can't just leave. I can't do things on my own and I can't quit.
I know from the word that I am prepared for what is ahead even though I do not feel prepared in many ways. But tonight we had a final Residence Life service time where we were read quotes, given carpenter pencils, and meditated on being with the Lord and praying. It was very hard for me to keep my mind on the Lord and to focus my thought on myself and my weaknesses or the ways that I needed help. So I just decided to watch some other people shave their pencils and I prayed one word for a few of them. I prayed for strength for one, peace, grace, confidence, love, change.
And as I watched the candle in the center of the group this poem came to me.

I am a candle at dusk

I flicker in the ever changing breeze

My movements are unpredictable

So is the wind

The wind is my God

I wag and shake and am strained in a harsh breeze

But I do not go out

I stand still in the quiet and glow

My fuel has an end

Only the wind will decide how long I will last

It may be short

It may be long

But I burn just the same

I am a candle at night

The darkness surrounds me

It will not change me

I am a slave to the wind

But I am free to shine loudly