Who I Am

Three nights ago I got to spend some good time with my great friend Barret. It was awesome catching up, sharing stories, competitive frustrations, and just being together. It was definitely a replenishing time for me getting out and knowing that I have great friends outside of Clark who care for me and know me. There are many good friends who have done this in other ways and I am really appreciative. The Lord has blessed me with close friends!
Last night I also went out with Adam B. and had such a great time sharing stories about RA stuff thus far and hearing about his difficult and enlightening experience. It was cool hearing his perspective and very detailed and honest advice or things that he wished he would have done or not done. That was very beneficial to me as I have been struggling with trying to push myself to be more intentional or more convicted about little things such as my joking or my language. The problem for me thus far has been that I have also felt like I haven't been myself some too. I have been much more worrisome or more strict when it comes to the guys in my section, and although I know pushing myself is a good thing it is not something that will happen overnight. I want to be more patient with change in myself because if I totally abandon the old self then I will forget who I am and what really makes me me. And that is a scary thing. Adam helped me to be more relaxed and realize that I just need to be myself. I don't have to be this huge authority figure who can come off fake when I am so intentional and forcing conversation or activities.
Another fear that I have for the year is the fear that I will not truly depend on God even in the really small and simple things. Adam said, "you are a capable person and because of that you can go through the year and not spend much time with God or read your Bible etc... and you will still do an okay job. People will still say you were a good RA." However, I know that any of the successes will only be from my own strength and not only will I be less likely to acknowledge that it has been God's work, but I will have ceased to be true and dependant on the Lord. I do not want this to happen so I sincerely and fearfully know the Lord and pray for a very difficult year as I wish to be more like Him, and I seek to love Him more.
This is me and this is my baggage (along with much more), but I hope that this knowledge will spur me to actually be with Him and rest in Him knowing that I am a beautiful creation and it is me with my problems and gifts that is the S&Q RA.

RA

So....being an RA has definitely already caused me to be uncomfortable, unsure, and joyful as well. I have had some hard times feeling like I'm not the greatest RA because I am not the guy that gets everyone pumped on testosterone and hollering loud sounds. I have felt unsure about my ability to treat everyone with just as much concern and love and alos how to connect with some that are more quiet, or more loud, or more awkward. So I have definitely done my share of second guessing and beating myself up over not feeling present enough, or not saying the right things, or not handling a situation better. But, the promising thing is that I am learning and I am being stretched. Former RA's weren't kidding when they promised this would happen. But at the same time I have been incredibly encouraged by fellow staff members who have reminded me that I was chosen to be here with these men for some reason, whatever it may be, and although that is a lot to ask of me it is also comforting. A few of my guys have said very kind words such as, "I want to be an RA now like you," and "thanks so much for taking us to the beach and driving, it is really cool that you want to spend time with us and invest in us, it's pretty cool." A fellow staff member also said that he was thinking about RA's and said that if he could have an RA he would want someone like me. Those were some of the kindest words I know the Lord is giving me these things to sustain me or to remember when I won't fell recognize or when I am feeling bad about my RA abilities. With all this mental processing going on it is hard to be thinking a ton about classes or family or other things that may not be staring me right in the face, so I hope that things will calm down and that I will be able to do more things that I enjoy doing or be able to follow through on other things that I need to take care of. Pray for me, my section, and my ability to discern what to be adamant for or against and what things to let my residents find out on their own.