Dreams

Wow, I guess I am a bit blog crazy right now. I figure that since I rarely post on my blog I might as well post a couple times at once when I am really "feeling it". The last thought I wanted to get out was that I have decided to write down my dreams in my journal. My small group talked about it last year and I did it for a little while, but stopped shortly, like I do with most things. But, the book "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck talked about dreams and how they can be a sign of grace to us and show us things in our unconscious of which our conscious is unaware such as problems we have or perceptions of the world. I also heard that the more you write down your dreams, the more you remember them. And experimentally this has been validated. I have written the past three mornings and each time the journal entry is more elaborate and vivid as I recall these dreams. You should try it sometime...it's pretty cool.

Self"ishness"

Today I learned a lot more about myself and those around me. That is I "learned" a lot. It is important for me to make the distinction between learning and "learning." The former requires one or sometimes multiple experiences actually teach me more about myself, others, or the world around me. The latter is merely a learning that is limited in the fact that it requires no real encounter with an insight or piece of knowledge. For example: I "learned" through reading a book about love and life, that a parent must give constant assurance and forms of affection to an infant. Simple right? No, not really. Not until I become a parent who has a child, and sweats and prays over he or she, hoping he or she will develop into a confident and secure adult will I be able to learn (without quotations) this important fact. Although this may seem irrelevant to the rest of my post, I want each of you to keep in mind that everything you come to understand has more than one layer; the layer of "learning" and learning. I am finding this to be true in the case of the sundry insights of the day.

My mother has always been a huge encourager of discovering oneself and how one views and interacts with others. To put it simply, she loves personality tests. Although tiring at times; I freaking love this sort of thing as well. The last Socratic test came during this past Thanksgiving. It is a very unique and complex assessment of humans who fit into one of 9 different categories. My mother and I spent a fair amount of time dissecting this specific test in hopes of finding exactly what number I am. After a couple hours I came to the conclusion I am a "5" or the Observer or Investigator. Since this may mean nothing to you I encourage you to go to this link: http://www.enneagram.com/index.html and find out what I mean. I would also LOVE it is you posted a comment on my wall telling me what your type is...

I decided to stop writing this post last night, because I was clearly getting tired and unfocused. So I do apologize for the abrupt transition, but here are my new thoughts. So last night I said that I learned a few neat things about myself and one of them was my Enneagram Personality type. It is interesting to see now how I view others. I have found myself assessing my friends and family members and complete strangers wondering what their type is. It is knid of neat to see. For instance, I always knew that when I was feeling good I had a very childlike spirit, wanting to do many many things and not really committing to anything completely, but jumping around from one to the next. That is because a type 5 tends to act like a seven when they are not stressed. Conversely, I act like an 8 when I am anxious or frustrated. Therefore I become combative and angry. I can look for some sort of argument or means through which to vent. I am also very prone to have a lot of knowledge and insight on various aspects of life and am frequently seeking more understanding. This can lead me to be very closed however, and keep my knowledge to myself and withhold my time, energy, or self from others. My parents and I were joking that I am a bit like Gollum and treat myself as My Precious sometimes :). Lastly, each Enneagram type correlates to a specific "Deadly Sin". My typical sin is greed, which makes sense. So I guess I am a greedy SOB.

I also read "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman yesterday and realized that I am mostly someone who receives love through Acts of Service, and Secondly, I enjoy Quality Time. Once again, I would LOVE to hear what your love language is. I really want to be able to learn how the people around me feel loved. What a neat experiment it would be to cater the way I love others specifically. The reason this is important to me is because I constantly find myself frustrated when I do something for another and don't get the reaction or result I hoped for. I someone says something really nice about me and yet I still may not feel like they really care about me. So....I want to learn how to love others better. Needless to say, I "learned" a lot about myself and am excited to see the ways in which these insights will come into play in my everyday in order that I may truly know them.

The Life of an Adm. Counselor Pt. 1

So...the life of an Admission Counselor is very unique. I am traveling from city to city in CA for about 8 weeks! I would probably be going insane if it were not for music, a bluetooth, and the fact that I like to drive. I am able to sing loudly to some of my favorite artists such as Josh Garrels, Alicia Keyes, Nickel Creek, Black Eyed Peas, etc... I have also been able to rekindle some friendships with people I rarely speak to. And liking to drive is just plain weird, but for those of you who know me well, the alone time and thinking about life is a plus.

I wish I started this Saga about three weeks ago, because it would be chock full of funny stories that I am unable to recall right now, but here are some of my favorites so far.

1. Student in front of a class of 30 students: "So do people like drink at your school?" Me: "Yes, apple juice is really good for you."

2. "Do you have Christian Massage?" (this actually happened to Jessica, not me :( )

3. Having my first car-wash when your car gets scrubbed and sprayed and rinsed and dried; the little wheels on the track push your car along

4. Entering the I-90 with a group of 10 UPS trucks

5. Making at least 5 U-Turns in one day

6. Logically inept woman telling me her daughter can't go to Westmont because we have fires...

7. A parent herding me into a corner about financial aid and the rules on campus, to see if I will mess up

8. 6 girls showing up for my presentation because they saw me at a fair and thought I was cute. Clearly I do whatever it takes to lure 'em in

9. Students shaking my hand very firmly and making sure to say their first and last name in order to stand out from the crowd.... as if I will remember

10. A high school counselor making me a cup of coffee and chatting for an hour about Westmont and life; no students showed up

11. Learning street names in Fresno, Bakersfield, Modesto, Visalia... it will be very helpful for the vacations I plan to the central valley

12. Speaking with no microphone, in an auditorium, to 70 students

13. Crying after my visit to a school

14. Getting a beer with my waitress after she got off work

15. Having dinner with counselors from APU, Cal Baptist, William Jessup, and Point Loma to celebrate Ryan's (Point Loma) B-day away from home and his wife.

There is rarely ever a dull moment as you can see, and I plan to do a few more of these lists when events or stories come up in my days.

Although work literally is my life right now, I feel completely blessed. Love you all

For Hayley

This little poem is for Hayley

She's wanted me to post daily

Mostly because she doesn't like weddings

It's all she sees on my headings

But just to let you know

When words don't come, they definitely can't flow

So I have taken my sweet time

And it has been just fine

And now I have a poem for you

And all the words I say are true

If you have patience with me

A personal poem you get to see

And now I conclude this small note

Be careful not to gloat

It is a poem for you

so koo-koo-ka-choo

Weddings

Weddings have officially been a big part of my life in the last three months. And it is fair to say they are the most enjoyable party I have yet to experience. What could be better than spending a night of your life with your favorite people, in a beautiful setting, celebrating one of the closest loves to that of the love God has for us? Oh and did I mention the wine and dancing?

There is something most freeing about getting loose and dancing the night away. For me, dancing can be one of the most therapeutic and joyous activities. I imagine that when the bible speaks of the being a time to mourn and a time to dance, it is referring to the dancing in a wedding. I believe weddings and funerals give the perfect earthly examples of reasons to mourn and to dance. In this sense weddings and funerals are opposite ends of the spectrum. I think the world tells us to think this way. For in death there is only sorrow. But a wise man whom is very dear to me has taught me the joy that there is in death.

My father has always joked about being ready to go and die. He puts a disapproving face on my mom when he says, "yeah it wouldn't be so bad to die, I'd get to blow this joint." I typically frown and ask how he could think this way. But, as the saying goes: like father like son. I think my dad is right. A funeral may be a reason for just as much celebration as a wedding. Shouldn't we all be jumping for joy to return home, and to spend eternity with the One who loves us best. I sure know I am! But let's return to weddings so I can conclude this post.

While we do have something great to look forward to in death, there is much to celebrate in life. And I am blessed to have been a part of so many celebrations of these last few months. How exciting it is to see time and trouble, and patience, and ultimate care climax in a grand joining of two people. There are few things like it on this earth, and I desire to know that same joy for my own. For now, I have patience and I celebrate what I DO have. For I know He will give me the desires of my heart. And He will do the same for you.

Crossword

Tanner Judkins came "home" today. I say "home" because he doesn't really live here, but I consider him when I think of someone who has such a strong role in my life. With some people you spend a month apart and you forget who they are and how to talk to them, but it's not like that for me with Tanner. We didn't miss a beat. The main evidence I have for this bold statement, is that we spent most of our time together working on a crossword puzzle and making food. We then went to Heather's play and exchanged jabs and winks as we sat in the audience. I get excited thinking about his wedding which arrives in one week. It is a meaningful time for all of us and I feel honored to know someone who makes me feel at home; he is one of the few that I consider a brother.

Work

So I have been thinking a lot about work recently. I find it quite fitting as it has quickly become my life. My fun events are no planned around when I beat a quest in a Zelda game or when my last kill in Halo 3 will be. They are planned around when I get off work, and when I NEED to go to sleep in order to function at work.

Over the past couple years I have come to recognize just how much of a free spirit I am. I love driving around town and walking the streets to see what shop or restaurant or people will catch my eye. I find that I need this type of part in my day. So like all things in life, I have begun to schedule these times around my work schedule. I may head downtown alone for lunch to eat Chipotle.

One of the reasons why I like my job a lot right now is that I feel very free. I never really knew what it would be like to have so much responsibility in the things for which I get paid. I am able to schedule my own 6 week calendar of travel paid for completely by Westmont. It is a cool and scary to think about all the dollars that are going into my "research" and travel about where I will go, and whom I will see, and HOW I will see them. But it is cool indeed.

One big dilemma that has arisen is the issue of how much of work I "bring" from work. Do I talk about work when I get off or is it really important for me to leave those things at the office. I have had a pretty hard time with this, as I notice how much it makes me un-relatable. I spend over 8 hours of my day with the same people doing the same things, and that is a third of my day. It is weird. But I have come to realize that it really is okay. I know that I am no longer in college. The things that I do will never be the same, and work really is a big part of my life now. It is my mission and it is my passion. I think I understand more what it means to do one thing and to do it well. I strive for this in my work.

So as I sit here sipping my glass of wine and being alone after my 8:30am-10pm day of work I feel good. My clothes are ironed and soon I will sleep. I will fade into my dreams and process whatever is on my mind. And tomorrow I will wake, the same as any other day. But, with a different schedule and with something new to be anxious or excited about. And hopefully I will have some sort of party to attend or people to see after my "work" is done.

The Troubadour

So I was sitting here and wondering what to say, and I decided to write about my experience at the Greg Laswell concert at the Troubadour in L.A. The venue was a great despite the sweat that resulted as people were standing shoulder to shoulder and front to back. And although the music was great and the environment was unique, my favorite part of the show was that I stood next to Elijah Wood for about 1.5 hours. The thing that struck me was not the many jokes that I thought of to say such as,"I'm hoping to visit New Zealand, would you mind telling me how to get to the Shire, oh and are those gross orcs still roaming the land," but the collection of thoughts that came from observation. My thoughts resulted from curiosity about his life. What would it be like to go around and have every single person know you? How would you act in public, and what would drive your decisions? I felt trapped for him. I watched as he looked directly ahead, avoiding a tilt of the head, or a shift of the eyes, and I wanted to tell him it was okay. He could do what he wanted, look around without fear, yell, and be free. It was in that moment that I was happy to be me. Despite being able to tap my foot and look around, I was able to watch a famous person (and he couldn't). In no way am I saying I have a better life, or saying he must not be happy. But it made me think more about the differences and the similarities we (all humans) share.

There are so many things in life that are great equalizers. When one leaves for college, when one graduates, or when one begins their relationship with Christ; these things remind that we are all the same. My green eyes may be different than the deep brown eyes of my sister, or my love for volleyball, different than Craig's love of guitar, but deep down we need the same things, and I love being reminded of this. Which is why I look anxiously and excitedly to the greatest equalizer of all, death. When all will be judged for what they did or didn't do in this blip of time we call our life. How beautiful it will be. To look past one another's faults or successes, and to see them, naked and vulnerable, and yet complete. When I will be held responsible for my life, and when I along will every single human being, will no longer fear. We will all be able to shout, and look around, and tap our feet to the beat (sometimes the little things make the biggest differences).

On a very different note, I decided to edit and revise my blog post today, so I hope it is less ridden with grammar mistakes, and spelling issues, and poor writing. But I desire to fix my writing issues through this blog as well. And if you wish to do the same, here are a few pointers from, "The Elements of Style," by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White.

"4. Write with nouns and verbs

Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place. This is not to disparage adjectives or adverbs; they are indispensable parts of speech. Occasionally they surprise us with their power, as in

Up the airy mountain,

Down the rushy glen,

We daren't go a-hunting

For fear of little men...

The nouns mountain and glen are accurate enough, but had the mountain not become airy, the glen rushy, William Allingham might never have got off the ground with his poem. In general, however, it is nouns and verbs, not their assistants, that give good writing its toughness and color."

New Perspective

So I have been having a blog crisis lately. I think of the different reasons for which I update on my blog. My feelings range from the loneliness to pride as I think that nobody is listening or that everyone is. And believe me, I have hoped for both while I have been writing on my blog. So with all that in mind I have decided to continue my blog exactly how it has been!

The only real change is that I am hoping to actually use it... So many of my friends and those very close to me have had a blog for a while or have just begun, and the things I love the most are how people use them for different ways. They are used to update others on their happenings in life, or the blogs are a way of expressing thoughts of emotions that come from big events or daily stories. Ultimately, I love it. I have found it to be a great step in learning how to communicate. I typically end my day without having expressed all that I am thinking or feeling, and I want to have a hard copy. It is just like reading a book that I can hold and touch as opposed to reading it off of a computer screen.

So, in conclusion, I hope to be blogging more in this upcoming season. And I expect and hope to see all of you (this is the time where I hope you are reading my blog) blogging more as it brings me great joy to get those little bits and pieces that are dying to leave your mind and heart.

Potter's Clay

Potter's Clay!!!!

Most of you know exactly what this is, but for any of you who are unaware, Potter's Clay is a week long missions trip to Ensenada Mexico. There are different teams ranging from VBS, Sports, Med/Dent, Prayer and Worship, and construction. This year I had the great opportunity to be lead a construction team who built the second story of the church Nueva Cancion, New Song. This was one of the most wonderful experiences that was full of joy, laughter, danger and tears. Getting to know the pastor who would be using the church was one of the greatest opportunities that I have been able to have. Lalo and Felie and David and Jayelle, and Daniella were the names of the family members for which we served. Coming away from the trip has been a really tough experience. During the course of the week, our team bonded really well and had some really great times. Our contractors, Jim and Todd were such amazing men of God who worked tirelessly and were such men of God. They trusted us well and challenged us during the week to stretch ourselves and to learn some of the in's and out's of construction. On Thursday, our contractor Todd had a terrible accident and was electrocuted by 13,000 volts and was feet from falling of a 30ft. roof. Jim caught him from falling and the ambulance lowered him from the roof after about 30 minutes, to ensure he was stable enough to move. He is doing pretty well considering the circumstances, but has suffered 4th degree burns on his head and 1st and 2nd on his arm and torso. He was definitely in the Lords hands and was kept safe as a lot of things could have gone very wrong. How greatly our Lord provides in time of need and how he prepares each and every one of us for anything and everything that comes to pass. That was the focus of one of my prayers before the event, that we would remember that we are prepared for anything and everything and that the Lord will not give us anything we cannot handle.

Leading was such a neat experience for me and difficult at times as well. My past experience leading had been a very difficult and hard experience for me so I was nervous about having something like that happen again, and there were a lot of insecurities hanging around my ability to lead a construction team with my limited ability and knowledge of it. I also felt insecure in whether or not I was really meant to lead and feeling bad in the ways in which I could speak more to the pastor and the family and longing for the ability to speak their language and communicate and tell them how much it meant to be a part of their community. Sometimes it felt like just being present or giving eye contact said a lot, but I was broken for the ways in which I wanted to be more involved in the community and with the people of Ensenada. I saw other members feel more confident in their communication, or others be very able and capable in the areas of construction and I found myself facing so many of my insecurities and inability. I wanted to be able to forget these feelings and to not be so inwardly focused, but it was so hard. So now I am in a time of processing and thinking about what I can learn from this experience and how I want to be confident and secure in my abilities and the things that I did do really well. I want so badly to be able to change and to grow from this, but it seems like there is so much to decompress and unpack that I feel overwhelmed, so that is why I am writing in this blog.

I want to be a different person. I want to be confident and selfless. I want to love others despite the ways that I can't and be able to see that although I am weak and unable that the Lord will do so much beyond my ability and despite my insecurities. I want to do and not to worry and go inot things feeling like the Lord will be there and will use me in mighty ways. I don't want to be about abilities and things and my posessions. I want to live freely without them and not be chained down by the glamour and materialism. My dorm room has nicer equipment than the whole church had combined. I feel so small and insignificant, and yet that I am gifted with so many things. I want to sell my things and give them away. I want to see people and give gifts and spend time with others. I don't want to do homework. I want to just be in my room and seek out others and love them because I have nothing to lose. That I have lost everything so there is no more fear. I want to walk down the streets singing the Lord's praises knowing that there is nothing I can do without him and nothing that can hurt me. That the Lord is good and He will provide. I want people to love and to care for one another and to recognize the pain and the sadness and be a part of the healing. I want to be grateful and live a life of gratitude for my family and my friends and my education, and my food, and my bed, and my underwear. How gifted I am and what do I do with all these things? I well up in myself and my things and I roll around in the praises of others, and I come away feeling more guilty and more incomplete than ever before. I don't want praises, but I want Jesus. Lord please do a mighty work in me, and I know it may take a long time for me to truly learn so many of these things with which I am wrestling, but please he me to know that now I am. That now I can rely on you and that through my weakness, you are strong that you can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. Help me to be here now and to make decisions that store up treasure in heaven and not on earth. Amen.

The Saints

     I haven't blogged in a while, but I just had a lot on my mind today and had some weird and sad and cool thoughts today. It's strange the way life works sometimes and how God can make really sad times open our eyes to bigger things that we don't really recognize with our earthly vision. He definitely uses our sadness and our despair and grief to show us things about ourselves, and for me He frequently gives me the opportunity to come out of those feelings with just a small bit of knowledge of who HE is and what he REALLY can do. 

     I was driving to my aunt and uncle's today just thinking about hurt that close friends of mine are dealing with and also about my own hurt and pain that comes from knowing how broken I truly am and how I do exactly what I don't want to do. I can understand what Paul meant when he talked about this very thing, and I think there is a lot of grief that comes from really looking at myself and seeing all the shit and choices that I make every day that lead to more loneliness and sadness. So as most of you wont be surprised I cried. I cried with alone and ultimately with the Lord, because only He could hear me. 

     And along the way I remembered that I was being prayed for at that very moment. That there were multitudes of people that I knew and didn't know who were in heaven praying for me and that was true peace. I was never alone, and the saints pray with me and they pray for me. And some of them may have experienced exactly what I am going through and exactly what the people around me are going through, and they KNOW. They Know what we need and the Lord knows what we need. Tears of sorrow became tears of hope. 

     Just recently, my dear sister Emily shared a poem with me that she had written about me and for me, and it meant so much to me that I wanted to share it with all of you. I hope you get something out of it as I have. The poem is based on Ezekiel 11:19-20.

     A struggle of the flesh-left in darkness

          breeds a heart of stone

    Aslan's breath, light, the stone is softened

   God begins to restore

                        a heart of flesh

   His promise is coming true in you

   Yes you are his. Yes, He is your God.

REMEMBER! You are always His and that the saints pray for and with you.