Monday, November 24, 2008

BoaL

Tiredness. Sadness. Relaxation. Silence. Solitude. Sleep. Close. Alone. Guilt. Happiness. Uncomfortable. Anticipating.
I forget how to relax and how to move slowly. How to sleep in and know there is nothing waiting for me to wake up, nothing beckoning for my attention or expecting me to show up. It feels good and it feels lonely. I have so little to require my time that I look for things to waste it yet I avoid the things that will give me energy. I have not been here for a while. I wonder if this is what people mean when they say that people are afraid of solitude because they have to look at themselves. I hope not. I hope I am just tired and do not fear self-reflection. I haven't cried yet. I want to be able to weep for joy of the small but important trials that have been in my path the past couple weeks and for the exciting new changes that will come, but I can't yet. I can't quite feel.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Fire Burns

     A couple weeks ago, a student said, "the fire burns," at chapel. It was meant to be a short phrase that the chapel speaker would turn into a song, and at the time it seemed like a poorly phrased corny "Christian" thing to say. Who would have thought that within two weeks, the fire would burn.  
     Less than forty-eight hours ago I was in my Hip-Hop dance class when three women came running in telling us that there was a fire and we needed to head up to the gym. It was kind of a shock as the women seemed somewhat distressed, but we all probably thought, it could never happen to me. As we walked outside I looked up the hill and saw a narrow but very tall flame that seemed like it was coming from the top of a tall building. At that point, panic had set in and all I could think to do was to say a short prayer before my RA duties would sink in. The whole school had been sent to the gym as we had practiced during the beginning of the year. The dorms were separated and the preview students were placed together in the back. I was shortly in charge of accounting for all of my residents and marking them off a list to ensure their safety. I couldn't really think straight as I had so many things on my mind, but I tried to stay calm and do what I could. The initial stress began to die down, but there were many tears and fears during that time. The gym also began to fill more and more with smoke until it looked like a fog had rolled in. 
    The night continued will small updates saying that all the buildings were safe at that point, even though we could see flames that appeared to be coming from campus, especially the prayer chapel, which later turned out to be completely untouched. However more updates continued saying that a few building had been lost. It was hard for me to believe that my building was safe considering its location and proximity to one of the burnt buildings. We also heard that our RD had lost his home to the fire at that time. I still had hope for some of my men. Most of my residents were trying to comprehend why this had to happened and it didn't seem fair to them as they had already gone trough tough things during the past week, not including the fact this was their first year at college. It was then that Mark informed me that the building of S had been lost, to which I merely broke down and cried. I didn't know what to say or how to say the news, and hoped that if I didn't it would go away, that it wouldn't be true. There were many tears and a lot of anger at this news but also somewhat of a peace for me about my belongings. I have prayed a couple times that past summer that I could find ways to give up some of my possessions and their attachment to me. I was sad however, I was confused. How could this happen to men who had just started college? This was our home! Many of us had brought very sentimental and valuable things to college that appeared to be lost in the fire. 
     It was a good reminder to know that everyone in my section was in the gym and were safe. I felt so weak and didn't know what to do for my men as I was in a bad place myself, but we prayed as a section and later I was lifted up by some of them again as they thanked God for all the blessing and for me. It was definitely a time of weakness and feeling insufficiency and I knew that my guys were men and that we had become a section who truly cared for one another. Many of us slept together in a group for the night and provisions were made in the morning for people to get away from school and stay at family and friends' homes. 
     I was able to go up to S and see the damage to the building. It was much more hopeful as I walked around downstairs and say that it was merely water damage but upstairs was in much worse condition. My room had a fair amount of salvageable things but the was no longer a roof and the floor was covered with debris. I am at peace with what I lost and what was spared and am thankful that my books journals, and art-work are safe. 
     My biggest fears and thoughts right now are wondering where I will live. I am not sure yet where I will be and I don't know if it has hit me that I will be living somewhere else. I deeply hope that my guys will find a good safe place to stay and most importantly hope that we will be close. Many of the Q residents have offered opening up their rooms to make triples and we have a lounge and an extra room to fill in if needed. But I am at this point not involved in the process of deciding what to do for these guys so I am having a hard time with that. I don't know how I will get my stuff that is safe or if they will just demolish everything, so I am afraid that I still wont see that stuff again. Especially since I was able to go in there once and could have grabbed more stuff at the time. I am sad for my guys who lost far more than me and for the women of M and the faculty who lost their whole home. I know that I have a home back in CO as a safe place, but many of the faculty lost their one and only residency. Please pray for me and for Stacey and for the faculty and staff that we will be at peace and that the best decisions would be made in the quickest time possible in order for the year to finish as best as it can. And praise God for keeping EVERYONE safe from the fire, including the people that lived in Montecito. It is clear that prayer can change things and has huge implications on our lives. I love you all and God bless