Thursday, August 28, 2008

Let the Games Begin

Today all of the Clark residents will arrive to find their home for the next 9 months! It is a pretty insane thought. Most of these people have never been to college, gotten sick away from home, or shared a room with a total stranger. However, many of these people have not been challenged in their faith, started on a degree, or met some of the best friends of their life. This is why my life will be full of blessings for this last school. I get to be a part of 24 men's struggles, new encounters, friendships, and spiritual journies. What a great thing this is. I am so excited which is obvious as those of you who read the time of this post may have noticed. It is 3 am and I could probably go running or do crazy things as I am so excited.
I feel completely blessed by each person on my staff and look forward to getting to know everyone more deeply as I will be sharing stories, frustrations, and advice with most of them. I have always found it very easy to connect well with people, but I have always had this sense that I could withdraw or leave if I didn't like the group of people or if I wasn't feeling great. But, for one of the first times in my life I feel somewhat trapped. I don't really like it but at the same time I am loving it. I feel like I must fully immerse myself in this group of people and into this ministry of being an RA, and I can't just leave. I can't do things on my own and I can't quit.
I know from the word that I am prepared for what is ahead even though I do not feel prepared in many ways. But tonight we had a final Residence Life service time where we were read quotes, given carpenter pencils, and meditated on being with the Lord and praying. It was very hard for me to keep my mind on the Lord and to focus my thought on myself and my weaknesses or the ways that I needed help. So I just decided to watch some other people shave their pencils and I prayed one word for a few of them. I prayed for strength for one, peace, grace, confidence, love, change.
And as I watched the candle in the center of the group this poem came to me.
I am a candle at dusk
I flicker in the ever changing breeze
My movements are unpredictable
So is the wind
The wind is my God
I wag and shake and am strained in a harsh breeze
But I do not go out
I stand still in the quiet and glow
My fuel has an end
Only the wind will decide how long I will last
It may be short
It may be long
But I burn just the same
I am a candle at night
The darkness surrounds me
It will not change me
I am a slave to the wind
But I am free to shine loudly

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Debriefing...lol

Debriefing is close to one of the most frequently used words during Imprint. But overall a very good word that is useful in externally processing an experience that was difficult or during which we may have changed. I know that Imprint was both challenging and changing. However as I am a pretty slow processor I do know know completely the ways in which I changed, but I can feel a difference.
The Funky Flamingo team was amazing. I know for a fact that I would not have asked to trade any of them for another person. We were truly a group of very different people who found commonality in our relationship with God and through the climbs of the trip. We went through Sequoia national park starting at Mineral City on to Franklin Lake, over the past to Forester Lake and then returning.
We hiked through hail and rain and hot sun. We swam in lakes, built shelters, ate, talked, and were a community. It was neat to see how such a different group of people could come together so well.
Personally however, a few of the best highlights for me were getting to know Nancy well and sharing passions as far as counseling. She is definitely a good friend and I am honored to know her. I also had a good talk with Chris and I learned more about his family and his first year at Westmont. I also loved swimming in the cold ass lake with Beca. Cathy and I were great marmots in our skit, and Mike and I shared about our experiences this summer.
Three that really stood out for me though were when Vanassa asked me how I thought I was being challenged during the trip. It was heartwarming to know that she did care about me and that we were closer and will become even better friends as we work together in Clark. I also enjoyed trading packs with our guide Steve. I was able to pray for him and get to know him better during the trip. A really cool thing was how much he reminded me of my dad. He had similar humor, sayings, and quirks. It was almost as if me dad was there the whole time, and yet I gained a really good friend and role-model. I also felt honored to find out that when I ran back down the hill to help Steve get two packs on his back that that was a highlight of the trip for him. He is a man I want to be more like. He makes everyone feel treasured by his humble and cheerful spirit.
The last thing that was very difficult and changing for me was during our solo night. I was the last to be dropped off so Steve prayed for me and told me to go up and hopefully find a place. Little did he know he would have to go a ways up a 60 degree incline to check on me before sunset. I found a ledge that was flat but bumpy about 10 feet from the edge of about a 35 foot drop. The view was exhilirating. I could see the whole lake and down into the valley. I spent about 13 hours up there alone trying to get time in with the Lord. The thing that kept me from it was the fact that I decided to go without a sleeping bag for the night. This meant that I had only a sleeping pad tarp and layers to keep me warm in the 32 and below degree weather for the night. I was pretty scared before the night knowing it would be really cold and that there were in fact bears in the area. So About an hour before the sun set I wrote this poem.

The sun shines hard
A few hours left
I feel fine
times will change

As the orb is lowered
I fear the night
Must I go through this?
No, I get to

I feel a breeze
I hear a breeze
It is the sound of flowing water
It has no choice but to follow its path

Will I be cold?
The shadows creep up the ledges
I want ease
The sun shines hard and reminds me of the present

The cold will come
I do not feel prepared
I AM
anxious and anticipating

Trials may come
I am not alone
Things will be hard
I consider it joy

I get to persevere
The Lord is good
the sun lowers
I will rest in his bosom

That is a pretty good summation of how my life has gone these past couple months. Many of the things represent difficulties in our life which correspond to the difficult and freezing night that is on the horizon. I spent almost all night changing sleeping positions, checking the distance the moon moved, and standing up to stomp in place and try warm up my legs. Needless to say, I wished I was able to pray more or meditate more, but all I could think of were ways in which to warm myself. But in response I wrote this poem at about 4:30-5 am.

I see light blue
The color of hope
I forget the cold
for a moment

My breath goes invisile
The great night light is useless now
Thank God for change

"Oh my God, Oh my God
Praise Jesus"
my first words
Am I grateful for this trial?
I will be

The sun will also rise for another
One whose coldness is mere part of each day
He is cold and hungry
Help him to see the light blue

You are the sun
You are the changes
You are the cold
You are our hope

The shadows reced
I wish to feel warmth
I do not want to wait
But I do, I know what is awaiting

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Imprint!

So I was very excited today as all the RA's were together today. Not only all of Clark, but all of Westmont RA's. It was overwhelming and scary to see everyone but exciting at the same time. I am officially in the Funky Flamingo group led by Stu, Kathy, and Steve. I am super excited. The group is Hannah Moore, Chris Bachler, Becca Lee, Nancy Sheih, Vanassa Hamra, Jesse Garcia, and Mike Bennett. I am so excited especially since our staff seems to be getting along well and enjoying eachother. I am just incredibly blessed to have great friends outside and inside Clark. God is good and has an awesome year ahead for me.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

A New Day

I thought a lot today about how/when/and why I felt so sad. I know specifically what small things in life hurt, I know larger things that are an open wound, and ultimately I realized that sometimes the weight of sin can just come crashing down at once. It is a giant weight, a weight that I absolutely cannot lift alone. I am grateful for a savior who not only comforts me with time but also through friends who show a deep care for me. I hink Ray LaMontagne gives a very interesting and poetic face to the sorrow I felt and that humans feel when the weight of sin is on our shoulders. These lyrics are found at http://artists.letssingit.com/ray-lamontagne-lyrics-empty-sh7vr88 and are the lyrics to his song "Empty".

"she lifts her skirt up to her knees,walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
i never learned to count my blessings, i choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
i walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
on past the busted back of that old and rusted cadillac that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged......

well i looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
you see, i've been to hell and back so many times, i must admit you kind of bore me.
there's a lot of things that can kill a man, there's a lot of ways to die, listen, some already did that walked beside me.
there's alot of things i don't understand,why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged"

Friday, August 8, 2008

Processing the Lonesome

Yesterday was a day full of mixed feelings. It started off abruptly as I awoke 5 minutes before I had to be at the Montecito YMCA. I met the kids that I would be "counseling" for the day and we set off towards magic mountain. I learned a lot yesterday about how to discipline and love on kids at the same time. It was really cool seeing how giving them choices and allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions knowing the consequences is really empowering to them even though they may not like it. It was fun joking around with the three boys and learning more about their lives and trying to understand why what they have experienced/are experiencing with family can affect their actions and thoughts. Elyse was a great partner with the kids and on the roller-coasters. I am very thankful to her for allowing me to be in that environment and spend a day at an amusement park. I definitely felt more in my element with the kids. I know that I would love to do teaching or counseling of some sort after I graduate. But, going back to the amusement park, it was amazing. We went on Tatsu, X2, Goliath, Scream, Riddler's Revenge, and Superman. Out of them all I think Tatsu was my favorite roller-coaster.
     I used to be afraid of roller-coasters but I was thinking yesterday about the story that the grandmother gives about life and how life is boring without the roller-coasters and that it is not exciting to ride the ferris-wheel. The ferris-wheel representing a life without problems and flexibility. I can relate very much so to this story. I know that I come from a more perfect and pristine view on life. I know that perfection, avoiding mistake, etc.. come from my family and therefore embrace it when it is useful, yet hate it when the perfectionism fogs my perspective. I pray therefore, for a balance of the two. I know that life is full of surprises. Things will go wrong and according to M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult." However regarding my blog post title. I remembered yesterday that life is full of sorrows as well. 
     Last night was a very lonely time as I felt insecure about who I was, guilty for all the ways that I am weak and sinful, I was worried about the future, about life after college, mostly about my relationships, I was grieving the sadnesses in my life that make me feel isolated and alone. It is not an easy thing being alone, feeling that things will change, people will move in and out of your life, things must be pushed through and not avoided. Ultimately, I know I will see the finish line. I will reach the goal to which I am called. And I try to take peace in knowing that the Work, the Lord has begun will be finished before He returns. But for now I am sad. Please pray for me and let me remeber that in order for trouble to go away or for things to change, that I must go through it, not around it. 
     

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Where to Begin

Oregon was awesome! Played v-ball, saw a wedding, went on atv's hung out, played games, enjoyed people, grew, watched owls, played tennis, lived a dream for 4 days. I don't know how to explain it much more. But if you talk to me in person I would love to tell stories.
I just recently restarted The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck M.D. and it has begun to rekindle my huge desire for counseling and my passion for psychology. It is a very heavy book yet has many truths that I remember yet others that are new because of the changes that I have gone through. I would make a large recommendation to others to read it and maybe spend about 3 months reading it. Anyways, I am excited about it but kind of scared because it will change me. But bring it on right? A cool thing I just read from it was this. "Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit." I know this is and has been true for me. I also find comfort in the fact that although it is hard for me to actually take a step in changing things, I know I live my life with this in my head and have rarely encountered a problem and not thought this very thing. Now I just have to use this knowledge to make a change.
I can't realy think of anything else I want to say, but I love you all. Really.