BoaL

Tiredness. Sadness. Relaxation. Silence. Solitude. Sleep. Close. Alone. Guilt. Happiness. Uncomfortable. Anticipating.
I forget how to relax and how to move slowly. How to sleep in and know there is nothing waiting for me to wake up, nothing beckoning for my attention or expecting me to show up. It feels good and it feels lonely. I have so little to require my time that I look for things to waste it yet I avoid the things that will give me energy. I have not been here for a while. I wonder if this is what people mean when they say that people are afraid of solitude because they have to look at themselves. I hope not. I hope I am just tired and do not fear self-reflection. I haven't cried yet. I want to be able to weep for joy of the small but important trials that have been in my path the past couple weeks and for the exciting new changes that will come, but I can't yet. I can't quite feel.

The Fire Burns

     A couple weeks ago, a student said, "the fire burns," at chapel. It was meant to be a short phrase that the chapel speaker would turn into a song, and at the time it seemed like a poorly phrased corny "Christian" thing to say. Who would have thought that within two weeks, the fire would burn.  

     Less than forty-eight hours ago I was in my Hip-Hop dance class when three women came running in telling us that there was a fire and we needed to head up to the gym. It was kind of a shock as the women seemed somewhat distressed, but we all probably thought, it could never happen to me. As we walked outside I looked up the hill and saw a narrow but very tall flame that seemed like it was coming from the top of a tall building. At that point, panic had set in and all I could think to do was to say a short prayer before my RA duties would sink in. The whole school had been sent to the gym as we had practiced during the beginning of the year. The dorms were separated and the preview students were placed together in the back. I was shortly in charge of accounting for all of my residents and marking them off a list to ensure their safety. I couldn't really think straight as I had so many things on my mind, but I tried to stay calm and do what I could. The initial stress began to die down, but there were many tears and fears during that time. The gym also began to fill more and more with smoke until it looked like a fog had rolled in. 

    The night continued will small updates saying that all the buildings were safe at that point, even though we could see flames that appeared to be coming from campus, especially the prayer chapel, which later turned out to be completely untouched. However more updates continued saying that a few building had been lost. It was hard for me to believe that my building was safe considering its location and proximity to one of the burnt buildings. We also heard that our RD had lost his home to the fire at that time. I still had hope for some of my men. Most of my residents were trying to comprehend why this had to happened and it didn't seem fair to them as they had already gone trough tough things during the past week, not including the fact this was their first year at college. It was then that Mark informed me that the building of S had been lost, to which I merely broke down and cried. I didn't know what to say or how to say the news, and hoped that if I didn't it would go away, that it wouldn't be true. There were many tears and a lot of anger at this news but also somewhat of a peace for me about my belongings. I have prayed a couple times that past summer that I could find ways to give up some of my possessions and their attachment to me. I was sad however, I was confused. How could this happen to men who had just started college? This was our home! Many of us had brought very sentimental and valuable things to college that appeared to be lost in the fire. 

     It was a good reminder to know that everyone in my section was in the gym and were safe. I felt so weak and didn't know what to do for my men as I was in a bad place myself, but we prayed as a section and later I was lifted up by some of them again as they thanked God for all the blessing and for me. It was definitely a time of weakness and feeling insufficiency and I knew that my guys were men and that we had become a section who truly cared for one another. Many of us slept together in a group for the night and provisions were made in the morning for people to get away from school and stay at family and friends' homes. 

     I was able to go up to S and see the damage to the building. It was much more hopeful as I walked around downstairs and say that it was merely water damage but upstairs was in much worse condition. My room had a fair amount of salvageable things but the was no longer a roof and the floor was covered with debris. I am at peace with what I lost and what was spared and am thankful that my books journals, and art-work are safe. 

     My biggest fears and thoughts right now are wondering where I will live. I am not sure yet where I will be and I don't know if it has hit me that I will be living somewhere else. I deeply hope that my guys will find a good safe place to stay and most importantly hope that we will be close. Many of the Q residents have offered opening up their rooms to make triples and we have a lounge and an extra room to fill in if needed. But I am at this point not involved in the process of deciding what to do for these guys so I am having a hard time with that. I don't know how I will get my stuff that is safe or if they will just demolish everything, so I am afraid that I still wont see that stuff again. Especially since I was able to go in there once and could have grabbed more stuff at the time. I am sad for my guys who lost far more than me and for the women of M and the faculty who lost their whole home. I know that I have a home back in CO as a safe place, but many of the faculty lost their one and only residency. Please pray for me and for Stacey and for the faculty and staff that we will be at peace and that the best decisions would be made in the quickest time possible in order for the year to finish as best as it can. And praise God for keeping EVERYONE safe from the fire, including the people that lived in Montecito. It is clear that prayer can change things and has huge implications on our lives. I love you all and God bless

Who I Am

Three nights ago I got to spend some good time with my great friend Barret. It was awesome catching up, sharing stories, competitive frustrations, and just being together. It was definitely a replenishing time for me getting out and knowing that I have great friends outside of Clark who care for me and know me. There are many good friends who have done this in other ways and I am really appreciative. The Lord has blessed me with close friends!
Last night I also went out with Adam B. and had such a great time sharing stories about RA stuff thus far and hearing about his difficult and enlightening experience. It was cool hearing his perspective and very detailed and honest advice or things that he wished he would have done or not done. That was very beneficial to me as I have been struggling with trying to push myself to be more intentional or more convicted about little things such as my joking or my language. The problem for me thus far has been that I have also felt like I haven't been myself some too. I have been much more worrisome or more strict when it comes to the guys in my section, and although I know pushing myself is a good thing it is not something that will happen overnight. I want to be more patient with change in myself because if I totally abandon the old self then I will forget who I am and what really makes me me. And that is a scary thing. Adam helped me to be more relaxed and realize that I just need to be myself. I don't have to be this huge authority figure who can come off fake when I am so intentional and forcing conversation or activities.
Another fear that I have for the year is the fear that I will not truly depend on God even in the really small and simple things. Adam said, "you are a capable person and because of that you can go through the year and not spend much time with God or read your Bible etc... and you will still do an okay job. People will still say you were a good RA." However, I know that any of the successes will only be from my own strength and not only will I be less likely to acknowledge that it has been God's work, but I will have ceased to be true and dependant on the Lord. I do not want this to happen so I sincerely and fearfully know the Lord and pray for a very difficult year as I wish to be more like Him, and I seek to love Him more.
This is me and this is my baggage (along with much more), but I hope that this knowledge will spur me to actually be with Him and rest in Him knowing that I am a beautiful creation and it is me with my problems and gifts that is the S&Q RA.

RA

So....being an RA has definitely already caused me to be uncomfortable, unsure, and joyful as well. I have had some hard times feeling like I'm not the greatest RA because I am not the guy that gets everyone pumped on testosterone and hollering loud sounds. I have felt unsure about my ability to treat everyone with just as much concern and love and alos how to connect with some that are more quiet, or more loud, or more awkward. So I have definitely done my share of second guessing and beating myself up over not feeling present enough, or not saying the right things, or not handling a situation better. But, the promising thing is that I am learning and I am being stretched. Former RA's weren't kidding when they promised this would happen. But at the same time I have been incredibly encouraged by fellow staff members who have reminded me that I was chosen to be here with these men for some reason, whatever it may be, and although that is a lot to ask of me it is also comforting. A few of my guys have said very kind words such as, "I want to be an RA now like you," and "thanks so much for taking us to the beach and driving, it is really cool that you want to spend time with us and invest in us, it's pretty cool." A fellow staff member also said that he was thinking about RA's and said that if he could have an RA he would want someone like me. Those were some of the kindest words I know the Lord is giving me these things to sustain me or to remember when I won't fell recognize or when I am feeling bad about my RA abilities. With all this mental processing going on it is hard to be thinking a ton about classes or family or other things that may not be staring me right in the face, so I hope that things will calm down and that I will be able to do more things that I enjoy doing or be able to follow through on other things that I need to take care of. Pray for me, my section, and my ability to discern what to be adamant for or against and what things to let my residents find out on their own.

Let the Games Begin

Today all of the Clark residents will arrive to find their home for the next 9 months! It is a pretty insane thought. Most of these people have never been to college, gotten sick away from home, or shared a room with a total stranger. However, many of these people have not been challenged in their faith, started on a degree, or met some of the best friends of their life. This is why my life will be full of blessings for this last school. I get to be a part of 24 men's struggles, new encounters, friendships, and spiritual journies. What a great thing this is. I am so excited which is obvious as those of you who read the time of this post may have noticed. It is 3 am and I could probably go running or do crazy things as I am so excited.
I feel completely blessed by each person on my staff and look forward to getting to know everyone more deeply as I will be sharing stories, frustrations, and advice with most of them. I have always found it very easy to connect well with people, but I have always had this sense that I could withdraw or leave if I didn't like the group of people or if I wasn't feeling great. But, for one of the first times in my life I feel somewhat trapped. I don't really like it but at the same time I am loving it. I feel like I must fully immerse myself in this group of people and into this ministry of being an RA, and I can't just leave. I can't do things on my own and I can't quit.
I know from the word that I am prepared for what is ahead even though I do not feel prepared in many ways. But tonight we had a final Residence Life service time where we were read quotes, given carpenter pencils, and meditated on being with the Lord and praying. It was very hard for me to keep my mind on the Lord and to focus my thought on myself and my weaknesses or the ways that I needed help. So I just decided to watch some other people shave their pencils and I prayed one word for a few of them. I prayed for strength for one, peace, grace, confidence, love, change.
And as I watched the candle in the center of the group this poem came to me.

I am a candle at dusk

I flicker in the ever changing breeze

My movements are unpredictable

So is the wind

The wind is my God

I wag and shake and am strained in a harsh breeze

But I do not go out

I stand still in the quiet and glow

My fuel has an end

Only the wind will decide how long I will last

It may be short

It may be long

But I burn just the same

I am a candle at night

The darkness surrounds me

It will not change me

I am a slave to the wind

But I am free to shine loudly

Debriefing...lol

Debriefing is close to one of the most frequently used words during Imprint. But overall a very good word that is useful in externally processing an experience that was difficult or during which we may have changed. I know that Imprint was both challenging and changing. However as I am a pretty slow processor I do know know completely the ways in which I changed, but I can feel a difference.
The Funky Flamingo team was amazing. I know for a fact that I would not have asked to trade any of them for another person. We were truly a group of very different people who found commonality in our relationship with God and through the climbs of the trip. We went through Sequoia national park starting at Mineral City on to Franklin Lake, over the past to Forester Lake and then returning.
We hiked through hail and rain and hot sun. We swam in lakes, built shelters, ate, talked, and were a community. It was neat to see how such a different group of people could come together so well.
Personally however, a few of the best highlights for me were getting to know Nancy well and sharing passions as far as counseling. She is definitely a good friend and I am honored to know her. I also had a good talk with Chris and I learned more about his family and his first year at Westmont. I also loved swimming in the cold ass lake with Beca. Cathy and I were great marmots in our skit, and Mike and I shared about our experiences this summer.
Three that really stood out for me though were when Vanassa asked me how I thought I was being challenged during the trip. It was heartwarming to know that she did care about me and that we were closer and will become even better friends as we work together in Clark. I also enjoyed trading packs with our guide Steve. I was able to pray for him and get to know him better during the trip. A really cool thing was how much he reminded me of my dad. He had similar humor, sayings, and quirks. It was almost as if me dad was there the whole time, and yet I gained a really good friend and role-model. I also felt honored to find out that when I ran back down the hill to help Steve get two packs on his back that that was a highlight of the trip for him. He is a man I want to be more like. He makes everyone feel treasured by his humble and cheerful spirit.
The last thing that was very difficult and changing for me was during our solo night. I was the last to be dropped off so Steve prayed for me and told me to go up and hopefully find a place. Little did he know he would have to go a ways up a 60 degree incline to check on me before sunset. I found a ledge that was flat but bumpy about 10 feet from the edge of about a 35 foot drop. The view was exhilirating. I could see the whole lake and down into the valley. I spent about 13 hours up there alone trying to get time in with the Lord. The thing that kept me from it was the fact that I decided to go without a sleeping bag for the night. This meant that I had only a sleeping pad tarp and layers to keep me warm in the 32 and below degree weather for the night. I was pretty scared before the night knowing it would be really cold and that there were in fact bears in the area. So About an hour before the sun set I wrote this poem.

The sun shines hard
A few hours left
I feel fine
times will change

As the orb is lowered
I fear the night
Must I go through this?
No, I get to

I feel a breeze
I hear a breeze
It is the sound of flowing water
It has no choice but to follow its path

Will I be cold?
The shadows creep up the ledges
I want ease
The sun shines hard and reminds me of the present

The cold will come
I do not feel prepared
I AM
anxious and anticipating

Trials may come
I am not alone
Things will be hard
I consider it joy

I get to persevere
The Lord is good
the sun lowers
I will rest in his bosom

That is a pretty good summation of how my life has gone these past couple months. Many of the things represent difficulties in our life which correspond to the difficult and freezing night that is on the horizon. I spent almost all night changing sleeping positions, checking the distance the moon moved, and standing up to stomp in place and try warm up my legs. Needless to say, I wished I was able to pray more or meditate more, but all I could think of were ways in which to warm myself. But in response I wrote this poem at about 4:30-5 am.

I see light blue
The color of hope
I forget the cold
for a moment

My breath goes invisile
The great night light is useless now
Thank God for change

"Oh my God, Oh my God
Praise Jesus"
my first words
Am I grateful for this trial?
I will be

The sun will also rise for another
One whose coldness is mere part of each day
He is cold and hungry
Help him to see the light blue

You are the sun
You are the changes
You are the cold
You are our hope

The shadows reced
I wish to feel warmth
I do not want to wait
But I do, I know what is awaiting

Imprint!

So I was very excited today as all the RA's were together today. Not only all of Clark, but all of Westmont RA's. It was overwhelming and scary to see everyone but exciting at the same time. I am officially in the Funky Flamingo group led by Stu, Kathy, and Steve. I am super excited. The group is Hannah Moore, Chris Bachler, Becca Lee, Nancy Sheih, Vanassa Hamra, Jesse Garcia, and Mike Bennett. I am so excited especially since our staff seems to be getting along well and enjoying eachother. I am just incredibly blessed to have great friends outside and inside Clark. God is good and has an awesome year ahead for me.

A New Day

I thought a lot today about how/when/and why I felt so sad. I know specifically what small things in life hurt, I know larger things that are an open wound, and ultimately I realized that sometimes the weight of sin can just come crashing down at once. It is a giant weight, a weight that I absolutely cannot lift alone. I am grateful for a savior who not only comforts me with time but also through friends who show a deep care for me. I hink Ray LaMontagne gives a very interesting and poetic face to the sorrow I felt and that humans feel when the weight of sin is on our shoulders. These lyrics are found at http://artists.letssingit.com/ray-lamontagne-lyrics-empty-sh7vr88 and are the lyrics to his song "Empty".

"she lifts her skirt up to her knees,walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
i never learned to count my blessings, i choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
i walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
on past the busted back of that old and rusted cadillac that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged......

well i looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
you see, i've been to hell and back so many times, i must admit you kind of bore me.
there's a lot of things that can kill a man, there's a lot of ways to die, listen, some already did that walked beside me.
there's alot of things i don't understand,why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged"

Processing the Lonesome

Yesterday was a day full of mixed feelings. It started off abruptly as I awoke 5 minutes before I had to be at the Montecito YMCA. I met the kids that I would be "counseling" for the day and we set off towards magic mountain. I learned a lot yesterday about how to discipline and love on kids at the same time. It was really cool seeing how giving them choices and allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions knowing the consequences is really empowering to them even though they may not like it. It was fun joking around with the three boys and learning more about their lives and trying to understand why what they have experienced/are experiencing with family can affect their actions and thoughts. Elyse was a great partner with the kids and on the roller-coasters. I am very thankful to her for allowing me to be in that environment and spend a day at an amusement park. I definitely felt more in my element with the kids. I know that I would love to do teaching or counseling of some sort after I graduate. But, going back to the amusement park, it was amazing. We went on Tatsu, X2, Goliath, Scream, Riddler's Revenge, and Superman. Out of them all I think Tatsu was my favorite roller-coaster.

     I used to be afraid of roller-coasters but I was thinking yesterday about the story that the grandmother gives about life and how life is boring without the roller-coasters and that it is not exciting to ride the ferris-wheel. The ferris-wheel representing a life without problems and flexibility. I can relate very much so to this story. I know that I come from a more perfect and pristine view on life. I know that perfection, avoiding mistake, etc.. come from my family and therefore embrace it when it is useful, yet hate it when the perfectionism fogs my perspective. I pray therefore, for a balance of the two. I know that life is full of surprises. Things will go wrong and according to M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, "Life is difficult." However regarding my blog post title. I remembered yesterday that life is full of sorrows as well. 

     Last night was a very lonely time as I felt insecure about who I was, guilty for all the ways that I am weak and sinful, I was worried about the future, about life after college, mostly about my relationships, I was grieving the sadnesses in my life that make me feel isolated and alone. It is not an easy thing being alone, feeling that things will change, people will move in and out of your life, things must be pushed through and not avoided. Ultimately, I know I will see the finish line. I will reach the goal to which I am called. And I try to take peace in knowing that the Work, the Lord has begun will be finished before He returns. But for now I am sad. Please pray for me and let me remeber that in order for trouble to go away or for things to change, that I must go through it, not around it. 

     

Where to Begin

Oregon was awesome! Played v-ball, saw a wedding, went on atv's hung out, played games, enjoyed people, grew, watched owls, played tennis, lived a dream for 4 days. I don't know how to explain it much more. But if you talk to me in person I would love to tell stories.
I just recently restarted The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck M.D. and it has begun to rekindle my huge desire for counseling and my passion for psychology. It is a very heavy book yet has many truths that I remember yet others that are new because of the changes that I have gone through. I would make a large recommendation to others to read it and maybe spend about 3 months reading it. Anyways, I am excited about it but kind of scared because it will change me. But bring it on right? A cool thing I just read from it was this. "Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit." I know this is and has been true for me. I also find comfort in the fact that although it is hard for me to actually take a step in changing things, I know I live my life with this in my head and have rarely encountered a problem and not thought this very thing. Now I just have to use this knowledge to make a change.
I can't realy think of anything else I want to say, but I love you all. Really.

What a DAY!

Yesterday was one of the best summer days in SB. It started at about 10 am when Joe and I went to get an electric pump for the day's entertainment. A 12 ft. in diameter water trampoline and a 8ish ft. inflatable boat with ores. We all: Tanner, Joe, Ryan, Craig, and I got ready with guac. PB and J, drinks, granola bars, etc. We arrived at east beach and spent about 30 minutes blowing up the trampoline just on the side of the road. After putting on sunscreen and eating we set out towards the nearest bouey. Ryan and I rowed as the others swam alongside the tramp. We hooked the two around a bouy and went crazy. The tramp was very hard to get on when you are in the water, so it was quite a workout. A guy named Ricky who was playing in the VB tournament swam out ot us just to check it out and say hi. He was a mechanical engineer who went to school at cal poly. How random and cool. We then relaxed and played some king of the hill. Which was pretty dang sweet. After some more activities we decided to row out to a boat/ship. We asked the only guy aboard if we could come up and check it out. His name was Ezra and he and his family lived on the boat. He was 19 and has been boating for over 2 years. We were are so excited to be on the boat and learning about what it is like not only to live like that but also how to navigate a boat that big. It was AWESOME. After a little while we got back on are more deflated boat and trampoline, gave him our numbers so he could hang out if he came into town, as he had no idea when his parents would come back. The rest of the beach day included Joe burying Craig up to his head while standing up, playing vollayball, and watching intense backgammon. Afterwards, we had pizza at our apartment, with Heather and Becca, Tanner and Joe's girlfriend and fiancee and we watched Parenthood! Can you beat that??? Despite my picture I really was having a blast.

I'm Moody

Today was just one of those days when you are kind of irritable the whole day. I was pretty frustrated with how I acted in some situations. I was realy mean but I was just kind of thoughtless and didn't hold my tongue well. I hope I can forgive myself for acting unloving today. It is difficult sometimes for me to understand times when I am just flat out being rude, or whether there is a good reason for my frustration, or whether my discomfort is really just my introverted spirit that is screaming for alone time. I think the third happens more frequently because I can tend o feel like people aren't respecting my alone time which really isn't their problem, but my lack of communication about them. But nevertheless, I think I can just easily get mad or frustrated when I need my space and for some reason can't get it. I could use prayer that I would be able to use that time wisely and would be able to come out of it refreshed and with a renewed sense of patience and joy to enter my more interacting side of life. I think a good sleep will do me good too if I don't stay up way too late playing Adventure Quest (thanks John :))

Back to SB

Today, I returned back to my summer home of Santa Barbara, CA. It was so great being home and getting to spend time with each and every one of my family members. I also got to see a lot of my extended family which was such a blessing as I was only in CO for 6 full days. Today my sisters, dad and I played tennis with all my cousins minus one. It was a lot of fun getting to see them all and creating chaos on the tennis courts. It was also more difficult to say goodbye I think, because it was such a good time at home. The flight was pretty smooth despite some bouncy turbulence near the cities of departure and arrival, but it was really cool looking out at the clouds in the sky. It is just fascinating looking at those massive and heavy clumps of moisture in the sky that seem to hang there as if held up by strings from the heavens. It really blew me away thinking how intricate and confusing nature really is.
However, it is good to be back. I was really glad to see almost all of my friends tonight, minus John, Drew, Adam, and Brandon. I realized that I missed them since I was gone for a whole week, and a few of them had trips of their own during the week. One thing I don't miss though is the crazy life of California. It is definitely a different world from Westcliffe. I could go a day without hearing a car in Westcliffe, but I can't avoid the noise when I am here. It was pretty stressful as I pulled out onto the highways today. I almost felt like I had to become a different person. This sounds pretty intense but it was kind of true. I was anxious and nervous on the busy roads trying to fight for spots between cars, passing traffic, getting blocked when I put my blinker on to switch lanes.
It was a pretty weird feeling. I told myself that I would never life in Southern California during that moment. It may be true, something like the traffic could deter me from living here, but then again I am a feeler, and the feeling has yet to linger very strongly for more than about 6 hours so who knows. But, it is almost 2 AM CO time and I think that means I need to hit the hay. Goodnight/Goodmorning world.

Lake of the Clouds

Since my last post was really long, I will try to keep this a little shorter. Today my dad and I did a 9+ mile hike in a little under 4 hours. It was really cool trying to see how quickly we could make the trip. Kind of a family, beat the clock, competitive type thing you know. But anyways it was really awesome. We crossed Something Creek, I wish could remember what it was called, and it was pretty big. There were some cool places to go camping at and even fishing if not at the lake at the top. It was beautiful seeing some of the waterfalls along the way. There was also a bunch of horse poop due to the fact that there was a 13 person horsebacking group that we met up at the top. There were two lakes with a smalll waterfall section from one to the other. It was cool talking to my dad, and eating up there at about 10,000 feet. The fish were jumping like crazy in the lake, as there were tons of bugs out. It was really fun to watch almost like a symphony, or planned out event, as fish after fish would jump. They would jump at different heights and some would merely break the surface. It was really fun to do this hike and especially with my dad. We also got to meet up with my grandparents, cousins Gabe, Michael, Erika, and Rudy as well as Erika and Rudy's parents Mike and Melissa, my dad's sister. We went downtown to Pizza Madness. I was great seeing my cousins and catching up on there lives. I always felt like it was mostly just important for them to see me, but I realized I had missed them all too so it was really great. I found myself trying to find out a lot of stuff about my cousins in a short period of time. I was pissed however to find out that both Gabe who is a Sophomore in HS and Rudy who is a Freashman were both taller than me. That was humbling. Their family also came over to our house afterwards and played Apples to Apples for a couple hours which was really fun and competitive. Not a surprise to those of you who know our family well. Overall, pretty damn good day.

Day of Solitude

So today I took my day of solitude as suggested by the Student Life staff in preparation for becoming an RA. I was telling my friend Stacey last night that I hadn't really thought about doing it unless it was a strong feeling, and yesterday I thought it would be great to do it while I am here up in the mountains with nothing but the creek to hear.
The long and short of it is that it was a really great idea. It was pretty hard starting off at first wondering how I would spend six hours alone, amidst flies, lots of pollens, without music, a book, etc.. and I also didn't really feel like praying which was frustrating, because I wanted to do that for most of the time, So I just decided to meander on our 14 acres and into the neaghboring properties. It was cool acquainting myself with our property and know much better where certain aspen groves, or the rock wall were.
I finally made my way back across the creak and down to a spot where my little cousin and I had stopped cleaning the creek about a year ago. Olivia was a trooper then as we wnet all the way down the stream moving rocks, muck, twigs, etc...in the freezing cold water. We even had a few fish brush up against us. But back to today, I stopped at our final spot and sat down for a while and ate my banana. I finally felt like praying and it was really cool, because my mind went directly to my future RA staff next year, as I hadn't really prayed much for each person or the group as a whole much.
I then proceeded back across the stream and into the aspen grove where I did some name carving in the aspen and layed down to rest my eyes, never actually falling asleep as I was tormented by flies who liked to land on my face. I saw some of the coolest bugs such as a few bumblebees that were about an each long and could probably eat me, I also saw an orange bee that was a bit smaller that I had never seen. I watched and scared off a chipmunk and fed some fish that I named.
The fish were quite entertaining. I had gone back to my spot by the creek but this time sat on a stone by itself surrpounded by water. I had some worship songs come to my head so I figured I might as well sing them out loud until I was startled by a greenback cutthroat that leaped out of the water to catch a fish. His name is Wayne. As I kept singing more fish came out from under a tree covering adding up to a total of five. The coolest part was that I had earlier been cursing the flies, but later saw that they aren't necessarily devil, but serve a purpose. I would kill them if I could when they landed on me (I think I managed to hit myself in the nose, ear, temple, and forehead just trying to kill those damn bugs) and threw them into the stream. They would float lifelessly a little ways if I had thrown them the right distance, and.....up would pop my fish friends. I fed Winston, Jane, and Jenny, but was not able to give William any food, because he was the stupid one of the bunch. Winston even swam about a foot away from me after he ate the fly I threw to him. It was pretty cool.
Some other cool stuff that I thought about during the day was how I think that the water in a stream is kind of like a person. At least I could relate to it. I saw how it never stayed in one place, it was always moving and mixing with the water around it which we could call "other people" The water would sometimes glide over the rocks very easily, but sometimes it would crash into the rocks or splash around. I think this is kind of how life is. Sometimes it is calm and peaceful and you can't see anything happen, but sometimes it is so trecherous or tumultuous at times. But the cool thing about creeks is the beautiful sounds and glimmering light shines mostly when the water is going over the rocks and not during the times of peace. Maybe this is how our relationship with God is. The most beautiful during the hard times. But these times are typically followed by places of quiet and peace. It is also interesting to not that just like people we can see the ripples or the waves on the surface of the water, but from above we cannot see how the water is swirling and moving underneath the surface. I think that so many people can be judged by what we see on the outside such as our actions or words, but what truly makes the difference is when someone looks through that and knows there is more going on underneath. It's amazing what God can teach me through a little stream.
After the fish feeding I proceeded to the edge of our property where my friend Tim and I had chased a few coyotes who would not shut up. I got a bit nervous wondering if they frequented that area. I am pretty sure I would get my butt kicked if a few coyotes wanted to eat me. But let's not talk about that or the fact that our neighbors had seen two beers between our properties about a week ago.
Another cool thing that I thought about was how I don't really know if I am very good at living in the present. I have tons of thoughts and such about how great it is to live in the present, and how we should live in the present, bla bla bla, but I never really have thought about whether I do that well. I don't think I do really. I have recently noticed how easily I get bored. I love to move from one thing of entertainment to another, one movie, to a new game, to a new book, etc... But I think sometimes I forget to live in the moment. I wonder if living in the moment it living as if God was physically there. I find that the times I am content in the present are when I can feel the Lord there with me. I don't necessarily think it at the time, but I think it is true. Maybe, if I can remember that God is ALWAYS with me I can be more content being there. I mean who would want to skip one activity if as soon as they did so the Lord, disappeared. I know he doesn't but I want to be content knowing he is there. He is in the people around me, the conversation that is going on. He affects all these things, so I think maybe being in the present is recognizing THE presence.
To everyone who has read or commented on my blog, thanks! I love hearing all of your comments and knowing that you are reading about my life. I feel very loved by your support so thanks so much. I only hope you all know that I cherish you all as well. Peace

Westcliffe

Yawn-
So I slept about 12 hours last night after I finished Blue Like Jazz, which was amazing just like the last time I read it and forgot everything it was about. But anyways, I just had a great day. I did some reading went into town and dropped of my mom at the gym, I got some coffee from the Wicked Witch of the West, went into some interesting shops with lots of ticky-tack crap, you know like the $300 sculptures that have wolves and eagles and such on them and are reminiscent of a Thomas Kinkade picture. Pretty hoaky if you ask me, but it is great for some people. I also, bought a really sweet Black cowboy hat. My mother and I also had a good talk as we took a longer way back to the house and she showed me where elk tend to be during the evenings. It was cool to hear about all the stuff my parents have learned about this new home of theirs. Well, I don't have much else, to say. It was just a fun relaxing day, and my dad and I played some backammon, and my mom and dad and I watched the movie Once, which was pretty good which I know Barret likes bacause of the babe Marketa. Okay well peace.

High Mountain Hay Fever

So today was a pretty sweet day. I saw the love of my life, I think her name was Jenny Lynn Gardner who was the most amazing mandolin player I have ever seen. She had a great smile and beautiful brown hair and she was probably only a couple years older than me. She was really fing good at the mandolin and I could not believe it! Anyways I tried to find a way to talk to her when I went over to her band's booth (The Bradley Walker Band) to buy a CD but she was not there and I missed any other chance I had. Maybe next year I will see her and ask for her hand. jk, but seriously. Oh yeah, I forgot to say where I was. I was at the High Mountain Hay Fever Bluegrass Festival with bands such as Alecia Nugent and Co., Dry Branch Fire Squad, The Corndrinker, Laurie Lewis and the Right Hands, and many more. The guy who founded the group Union Station was there apparently and a few grammy winners played at the festival as well. So despite Westcliffe's size and such, it is pretty famous when good ol' country/bluegrass music about lost love, Jesus, green pastures, and alcohol comes around. It was such a fun time being around such an eclectic group of people, the majority of whom looked like they just stepped off their ranch. There was hootin and hollerin and crepes and tacos, and beer and icecream. Also, to all the boys out there who came to Westcliffe last winter, my parents told me today that the infamous pub had some action this past month I believe, when an angered man who was not allowed to take his beer out, left the Pub and came back with a gun and waved it around in the store. Sounds like that Pub always has some exciting stories just attached to it. Okay, well I am enjoying the serenity of this place, the soft swishing of the creek, the beautiful flowers, the mountains, the silence, my family, books, a fire, and backgammon. May it give me peace and a break from the more busy life of SB. God bless

The Trip to CO, Into the Wild, and more

Well,
I am officially here in our beautiful home in Westcliffe, CO. It is 10:50 here which means only 9:50 CA time so I am ready for my night to begin, but my sisters are in bed reading and my dad is asleep. So...although I am whining about my family's sleeping schedule it is a perfect time for me to do some blogging!!!!!! Hell yeah!!!! Today has been a day of change. I typically welcome change in my life despite the strees that it can cause. I started this morning at about 8:30 and got ready to drive about 2 hours down to Ontario, CA for my flight. God answered my prayers of little traffic for which I am grateful since I left 15 minutes later than I had hoped. The parking lot by the airport made me feel like I was the last man alive after the apocalypse. There was a giant 1 story building that seemed to be shut down, and the parking lot was full of cars with not 1 person in sight. It was kind of eerie. Anyways, my bus driver was pretty friendly and dropped me off at the ExpressJet terminal and I quickly proceeded through check-in and customs in about 20 minutes total. The man who checked my I.D. and pass told me a funny joke along the way due to him spotting the instrument on my back. He said, "what do you get when a piano falls down a mining shaft." "I don't know I said." "You get a flat miner?" Pretty good joke if you ask me. I had about an hour to kill so I walked to the end of the terminal to the restroom. The man next to me in the stall was clearly having gas issues and after each fart let out a loud. Auuuuurgggghhhhh as if he was relieved/felt like a badass? It was pretty comical. Sorry for the potty humor. The most exciting part of my travel was the interaction I had will this family of three of which two were in front of me, the father and the 18 mo. old Victoria Lee "Tori" and the mother who sat across the aisle. The family was probably not a very wealthy family given the dental hygeine and clothing, and this would not be relevant had it not been for some of the changes that are going on inside me....
Last night I watched Into the Wild which was a really good movie and even better book, but the reason my interaction on the flight had significance was due to some of what I learned during the movie. Alex/Chris meets a great couple who's names are Jan and Edaine. They were kind of hick meets white trash, but Chris/Alex becomes great friends with these people and learns/teaches them. He does not care who they are, what they have done, NOR what they look like, he meets them and becomes family. I thought about this part of the story while I was on the plane, and I wondered who I felt like I related to more on the plane. Whether it was the pretty rich girl just across from Tori or the family who seemed to love eachother very much and were from a different social group than me. I think I related better to the latter. I enjoyed watching the family interact and how loving the father (who had a sweet mullet by the way) was to his little girl as she screamed her head off during takeoff and landing, because she did not want to sit still. I even got to play about 20 minutes of peek-a-boo and funny faces with Tori as she persistently would put her head over the back of her seat. I think I was somewhat of a relief to the parents as my silly games kept her distracted 90% of the landing. The mother and father and I exchanged great smiles and laughs each time Tori would chuckle and bury her head in her daddy when I booed. The interesting thing to note was how as the family was initially taking their seats, I felt as if we were going to have some sort of connection or cool interaction during the flight, and once again praise the Lord for this little time. The mother and I got to talk for a short bit about Victoria Lee and what a sweet spirit she was and how she thought she was already two. I told her a tiny bit about Westmont, and she told me a bit about her family and it was just a cool time. I want to keep that family in my thoughts, so what better way to do it than through this blog.
The reason this was so impactful to me was the fact that I understood better not only my walls and prejudices, but how with an open mind and the Lord, those could be broken, and I could relate to more people than I think. I know that I am not alone in this world, I am not the only one who fears being alone, and I know that God has a plan for that family and for me. I want to keep the kind words of the mother in my mind when she said, "Good luck with everything" as I walked to the front of the plane. And I pray the same for them. Especially cute little Tori.

Prayer

I would first like to start off by saying how very hard it is to think of one thing to write about from my day. This is frequently a very stressful and indecisive time for me as I sit in front of my computer pondering what was the funiest, saddest, or most impactful thing of the day. It is hard for me as I tend to bounce from thought to thought during the day and am a natural feeler. Things that may have affected at the time can tend to get lost in my braing forever as my emotions change. Although I am grateful for this character trait at times, it can also be pretty damn annoying. A case of this would be when my boss told me this morning, "it has been a pleasure having you here this summer. I just wanted you to know that." The emotions of surprise, gratefulness, and sincerity all filled my mind, and instead of acknowledging his kind words, I simply said, "thanks" as I walked away. "What a rude thing to respond with," I though as I went on my break. What about saying, "that means a lot, or I appreciate that or, it has with you as well". Not that a short response isn't great at times, but it reminded me a bit of my selfishness in not recognizing when others go maybe out of their way to say something kind and all I can do is say thanks or spend my day trying to beat their computer game scores. That was a bit of a sin check I thought.
But, going back to my feeling tendency, my emotions were quickly diverted, and if it weren't for this blog I may not have processed why I felt bad about that previous interaction. Moving on however, I was walking up to the post office as I do during each of my breaks, killing time, and pretending like there is even the slightest chance I might have mail (which I did http://www.arbonne.com/products/fyi/face/index.asp and they were female skin products...how sad) and I passed the Santa Barbara independent bearing the cover about the recent fires in Goleta. I got excited as I skimmed through it to find the days crossword puzzle, and another article caught my eye. This article was about the Fourth of July stabbings on Cabrillo. It said that there was one killed who was killed and two others who were injured. The scary thing about it is that I was in between the locations of the death and the injuries only about 3 miles apart. Cop cars were blaring as I walked back to our site on by the beach and they were speeding west to east. I remeber thinking how scary it was and giving an honest yet very half-assed prayer saying I hope nobody was too injured. I also thought how scary it was for the people crossing the street not knowing when a cop car would come flying through a red light. I was in essence thinking more about my own comfort than that of the mere kids who were in physical pain. Did I not think that something bad really could happen so close? Did I not think it was important to take 5 minutes to pray for the whole scene? It was not only saddened by my thoughts of arrogance as I walked past a group of people who were being questioned by the cops after the firework display, but I was also saddened by my lack of care. I have started learning more about the power of prayer through Richard Foster's The Celebration of Discipline, and here was a perfect opportunity to really pray and believe it and hope that God would do something. I am careful to say my prayer would have really affected the situation, but aren't there examples of stories just like that in the bible. Who's to say that if more people prayed ardent and honest prayers of intercession during that time that the boys would not have been kept from pain and death?
I can only hope and hold onto the truth that God will make something beautiful out of this disaster, the one visible and the one invisible and hidden in my heart.

A simple yet rewarding day

So......I just couldn't wait to tell you all how my goal achieving was going. I successfully beat my boss on Puzzle mode of Snood with a score of ~160,000 to beat his score by about 2,000 points. Beating the record was stressful as it caused me to lose track of all space and time, as I spent 15 more minutes in the office passing level by level after starting at about 4:40. He is in for a surprise tomorrow when he covers my 10 minute shift. tehehehe....I wonder if my spirit will ever change?

A simple day

So today I have not done much productive so far. However I had some cool stuff happen. I was looking on the iTunes store and found a free audiobook of The Alchemist which was really exciting, because I have wanted to read it, am obsessed with reading, and think audiobooks are badass but too expensive. So it was quite a find and I have already listened to 40 mintues out of 4 hrs. and 15 min. I am also really excited to listen to the weekly free podcast called "This American Life" to which Adam introduced me. I have never been very good at small talk, have been good at medium talk, and excelled I suppose at ?large? talk? What I am saying is that I think I have found new ways in which to small and medium talk with people for which I am grateful, because I can sort of awkward sometimes I think. But I digress.

Despite the fact I have not really done much today I have in fact set a goal for the day. It has been a recurring goal as I have yet to fulfill it, but in essence it has been a way to quench my competitive spirit. When I first came to work at the switchboard I was introduced to Snood which is a game where you shoot colored gems/balls into a preset map of these mixed colors. The object is to bounce the gem off the wall or not and have it touch another of the same color that is already in place. By making set of three or more of the same colors, these gems will fall and anything that is not attached and is below the gems that fell will fall as well. The gems move closer as you try to remove all the gems to win. It is pretty fun and time consuming, but most imortantly I have the highest score on EVIL difficulty. RARRRRRRRR, but the premise of my goal has come out of the fact that I do not have all the high scores (sound like Mario Kart Em and Lan?) for all the modes of the games. Easy, medium, hard, child, journey, custom. These are not even challenges so I don't waste my time, but Journey mode is where the frustration all started. I had the high score until about a week ago; my boss beat it twice since then. How he managed to do this, I have yet to learn? Needless to say I am pissed. I rationalize that he has gotten lucky and has been given the right colors at the right time, but two clear victories for him does not support this conclusion. So.....I AM GOING TO BEAT HIM. I don't care how long it takes, because I have all the time in the world. In the meantime it is proving to be a humbling experience that is probably good for my well-being, or maybe not.

I have also started to read Blue Like Jazz again which I am pretty excited about. Donald Miller is pretty funny with how he simplifies life and he loves to have a good laugh at himself which I enjoy as well. Please tell me what you think of it, call me to talk about it, share your favorite parts, etc... Okay, that's all folks and je vous-aime.

Like a River

Today I finished Peace Like a River, by Leif Enger and was thoroughly challenged and encouraged by it. It has so much symbolism and underlying meaning that I wish I was better at comprehending literature as it was always my weak point on standardized testing. Anyways, if you have not read the book and are hoping to some time soon, I would suggest you not read the italics. One way that I think the book has taught me is through the simplicity of God and how he relates to the characters in the novels. Miracles simply become a way of life as the father walks on air, prays for guidance, and multiplies food. These instance in addition to many other create somewhat of a simplistic picture of how we can and should commune with God. Jeremiah talks to God alone yet out loud. He paces, yells, whispers, knowing the Lord is in fact present. I wonder how different my life would be if I actually thought God was capable of carrying on a normal conversation with me and if I felt "confident" to speak out loud to the Lord. 

     At the end of the novel when Jeremiah is shot and he and Reuben are in the Other world running through the fields and along the river, I was given a renewed visual of heaven. Reuben feels at home and comfortable and longs to stay in that place with the others who are singing songs outside the golden city. I wish I could do what Reuben did, to walk in the fields and gardens and hear the singing of the river. To be so close to home would be an experience in itself. I wonder how my life would be different having been there; would I life my life as if I might be there tomorrow? Would I love others out of the assurance and joy of knowing that heaven is real and that God truly loves me? Or would I live selfishly, hoping only to pass the time to reach the final prize? Would I act arrogantly and hide my light from others, hoarding the joy and truth that I have received? 

    I wonder however, have I been there already? God knew me before I was born; does that mean I was fully in his presence when I entered this world? Was I wrapped in the mind and love of God before he put me on earth. I like to think this is true. Heaven is my true home, I was born there just as I was born into my earthly house. I have left, entered a new world, a world of my own outside of my family, and will return, just as I will return to my home in the presence of the Lord, or into the River. With this thought in mind, my life is not much different than Jeremiah's. I have been there and now I am called to choose how to live. There is where I need help. Reuben puts this best. "All I can do is say. Here's how it went. Here's what I saw. I've been there and am going back. Make of it what you will". 

My First Blog Entry

Hey Everyone-

   So a few people have started blogs recently and now it has been put on my mind. My sister, my friend Adam, Barret, Ian Dywer and my roomate Mike Bennett have all told me in various ways about their blogs, and initially I thought it sounded kind of lame (typical me response) but I thought I might give it a chance. I love being able to read about the kinds of experiences that these people have encountered whether they are sad, encouraging or merely funny. Nevertheless I have also always wanted to be journaling more as the times were few and far between and what a great way to do this. So I am officially a blogger. Hmmmm what do I want to talk about today....

    Once upon a time there was a guy named Evan who worked at his college and answered phones all day. He sat the at his little desk playing games on the computer, reading, and listening to music. However, doing this very mundane task for 8 hours left space for the very interesting and funny happenings that only appear once or twice every eight hours if you are in the same spot. For instance, today Evan was talking to a gruff old man who was blabbering on about big parking lots and circles in attempt to describe Westmont's campus, but as I could feel the heat rising off his face through the phone he suddenly became too exasperated and decided to hang up as if the simple answers to Evan's questions were beginning to clog his larynx. Evan however, was not entirely perfect on the job this particular day (or any day for that matter). He was completely po-jangled, owned, or pwned by a "scam salesman" whose name was Jim and was calling about the copy-machine. Evan ignorantly thought, oh yeah that makes sense, and asked, " which copy machine was it," to which "Jim" responded, "oh the one right there in the office...we just need to get an update on its serial number." Evan then put the man on hold, received an annoyed, "who was it?" from his boss and proceded to transfer the "scam-man" to said boss. And that concludes the story of "How Evan Got Pojangled by Scam Man"(here's to you Marissa). Peace and love