BoaL

Tiredness. Sadness. Relaxation. Silence. Solitude. Sleep. Close. Alone. Guilt. Happiness. Uncomfortable. Anticipating.
I forget how to relax and how to move slowly. How to sleep in and know there is nothing waiting for me to wake up, nothing beckoning for my attention or expecting me to show up. It feels good and it feels lonely. I have so little to require my time that I look for things to waste it yet I avoid the things that will give me energy. I have not been here for a while. I wonder if this is what people mean when they say that people are afraid of solitude because they have to look at themselves. I hope not. I hope I am just tired and do not fear self-reflection. I haven't cried yet. I want to be able to weep for joy of the small but important trials that have been in my path the past couple weeks and for the exciting new changes that will come, but I can't yet. I can't quite feel.